Seriously………

I have mastered disassociating. It is the only way that I am handling these times that we are in. It feels like we are living in Groundhog Day. I really do desire to be a positive person but I have been feeling so negative. I worry. What if this is what the world is going to be like from now on. Maybe not COVID, but just one trial after another. This would be my idea of what Hell is. I have always been blessed with being able to find someone that I can talk to, talk it out with. Rik is the only lucky recipient to hear my fears and points of view.

I still believe that President Trump has to be reelected. I have always felt that I could be on a side but watch from a safe distance and that luxurious time is slipping away. If you are not a conservative republican then you have to admit you are a socialist leaning, liberal democrat. It breaks my heart that some of my kids are veering to that side. I just don’t see how they can think that those ideals are anywhere near everything that this country has stood strong for. All that lives have been lost for in battle. I wish someone could assure me that my heart is in the right place. I know that I have not always been right but my heart and my spirit are telling me that even though I think Trump is less than a good moral man, his ideals for this country are where mine are.

I have been dwelling a lot lately on how much longer I have to work and it feels like it will be forever until I am 67. That is the medium age for Social Security. If one works until they are 70 then they can receive the premium pay but there is no way I can do that. Having grown up poor and spending my summers at 11 years of age picking cherries for school clothes money, I feel I have been working forever. I feel pretty picked on. Is this just normal that we have no choices and feel like a slave to the lives we are in. Part of my desire to stay home is wanting to get away from people. I have not been good at setting an example at my job of who I really should be. I feel like my spirit is cringing when I am out there in the world. I am not perfect, far from it but I cannot find the holy ghost when I am trying to live out and about. I recognize that some of it is depression but it feels like the worst case of battle fatigue.

Kayla and Jordan and the kids had intended to come out in August to have Olivia baptized and Nora (our 12th and final Grandbaby) blessed. Texas is one of the worst states for COVID right now so the military has stay in place orders of no more that 300 miles away so they are not able to come and be with the whole family for those events. Rik and I, Dave and Holli are going to go there the first part of August. I am looking so forward to it but not comfortable letting my work know. I am afraid there would be views or orders given to quarantine for 14 days when I return and I cannot afford to do that. I do not have the PTO to cover my benefits for all this time off so I am being creative as to how to make it work but I do not want to miss Olivia’s baptism. I am looking forward to getting away.

I love Hannah and Chandler but I am so tired of feeling bound down to others. I just want some freedoms of how I spend my days and being able to just feel “me time”. If that is selfish, then I am feeling selfish. I have not been very impressed with Chandler’s Mom Amber and or the rest of his family. They seem pretty selfish and are never going to offer themselves up to being helpful and supportive of Hannah and Chandler’s needs. I feel like Amber has just had an attitude of there you go, I am free. She made the comment once during wedding planning of how exhausted she was and I knew then that her views were pretty self centered. Chandler’s Dad attempted suicide about two month’s after their wedding. It was a miracle that the gun shot wound to his chest only destroyed a lung that night and gave the family the opportunity to spend 6 more weeks praying over him and expressing their love but on Memorial Day they had to realize the reality that his body could not make a strong enough recovery to continue this life, and he was taken off all support and passed on. He seemed as if he may make it, was communicative and even had a positive attitude but he always required some ECMO support. I have felt sad and angry. I think with more years of trying that he and Chandler could have built a better relationship and Chandler may have realized that his Dad was not an awful person. His ex wife (Chandler’s mom) has spent these past years bashing his name to the two children, now adults. Having come from a broken family, had my Mother spoke vial of my Dad day after day I cannot imagine how much more wounded I would have been. As I see it now, I do not know if Chandler will ever heal from the mental abuse and poor reviews in his mind of his father. Amber has not treated my daughter with as much love and kindness as she should have either. It is just too important to her to keep control of her Son. I am disappointed with her lack of preparing him to be a self reliant man and husband. But, what they have going for them is God’s love for them and their marriage. I am so proud of the two of them and the way they are working through things. Chandler also lost his Grandmother (his Mom’s Mother) prior to his Father’s passing but these two young adults have cried together, fought together and kept loving one another through all and I will do everything I can to provide and support a safe loving shelter and arms around them.

I so hope and pray that this COVID will find it’s way out of our lives by the end of the year. I hope that it is true what many think that after the elections are over, it will dissipate. The rioting and breakdown of our country has continued as police departments have not been supported. There is much contention over how to eradicate the virus, people wearing masks and whether businesses and education should be allowed to reopen. We are acting anything but civilized. It makes me visualize the stories from the scriptures of how evil and corrupt a people can be. Last week they for the first time in months held 45 minute church services dividing the population alphabetically in thirds. I did not go but Rik thought there were maybe 45-60 people there. Heartbreaking.

COVID 19

Never would I have dreamed that we would still be in the
middle of this Covid crisis.  It really irritates me and
causes me a lot of anxiety.  I just don’t like the uncert-
ainty it keeps us in.

I think it is real but I believe the media are really
playing it up to make President Trump look bad.  The re-
ports said that the economy, the stock market and jobs
were rebounding better than could be hoped for so all of
a sudden all you hear from the media are record numbers
of new cases being broken day after day.  They had started
reopening businesses and now there is talk that it was too
fast and they are wanting to reclose them.  People don’t want
to do it. They can’t afford to take bigger losses.


Along with this there was a black man by the name of Floyd
that was resisting arrest. He was held down by a police off-
icer pressing his knee against his neck while Floyd yelled
he couldn’t breathe but the officer kept holding him and Floyd
was killed by him.  That has started a movement ~ 'Black Lives
Matter'.  People are going crazy rioting all over the nation.
They are destroying anything deemed as proof of racism, tear-
ing down statues and vandalizing property. Part of downtown
Seattle was literally take over by these activists groups
while the government and police forces have just stood by and
allowed it.


This world has gone crazy.  It sounds every bit like things I
read about in scripture.  I can feel the evilness and corrupt-
ion building, and I just can’t believe it will be very much
longer before God will intervene and send the Savior to stop
the destruction.  Due to Covid people have not been allowed
to gather at their churches.  We are in the saddest of times.  



60 days to change

I should be sleeping but I feel like if I don’t write down some of this life experience I am going through, it won’t be known. I have been off work for five days and it has been glorious. I am so much happier when I don’t work and if I had tomorrow and tomorrow and the next, I would have this whole house whipped into shape. I am a great homemaker, but employee, not so much. I hate feeling controlled by a job.

I found out tonight that one of my youngest twins, Kayla is expecting Grandchild number 12. This will probably be our last. I am thrilled and really will be excited for a boy or girl. The baby will come in April and by then we should be settled in to a more calm existence after Hannah and Chandler’s late December wedding. They will be living here for a couple of years until Chandler can finish school and hopefully find employment as a Seminary teacher. I’ve heard that it’s a hard field with only so many positions available but time will provide for them I feel certain.

I have been consumed planning the wedding. I hope it will be what Hannah loves and that I am not running her over. It is going to be Bohemian with lots of greenery, white flowers and copper, purple and navy as the colors. It seems to be coming together with her friends and connections and my past planning experience. I hope it will be beautiful for them. Hannah and Chandler have a lot of people that love them and are thrilled for them.

It is 60 days and I have made it down from 206 to about 195 but want to get serious now with the Medifast until the wedding and get 40 off. It can be done and I have bought a size 10 grooms dinner and reception dress that are not going to fit if I don’t do this. Not only that but I will be disgusted at the photos so I am going to pray and give it all I have. If I do this it would put me 30 pounds away from goal which is so great. I just have never had this much weight to lose. It has made me realize how difficult it is for those that climb into obesity to get back out. I feel really bad I have been so judgmental at times.

I have been paying tithing for a couple months now but am still struggling to get to meetings. I went a couple weeks ago and got introduced to Michelle Bills. She is Doug Bill’s wife. He is the wonderful ward member that basically put our sprinkler system in (a really nice guy). I feel like they are going to give me a lot of strength as I get back active in attending meetings. I also spoke to President Ron Hamblin, our old Stake President and friend. He will be marrying Hannah and Chandler since he is now a Sealer and that is awesome. I hope the Bishop will feel good about giving me a recommend, but I know I need to step it up and be at all my meetings.

I am worried that my mental state is still not great and how difficult it will be to make sure Hannah and Chandler’s needs are being met with there living here. I am nervous about how they are going to manage as husband and wife, meeting each other’s physical and emotional needs. As this all started when they were first engaged and I felt myself worrying, I felt Heavenly Father telling me to just go one step at a time and that things would get figured or work themselves out. We will all have to work together to learn and work out ways that Hannah and Chandler can move towards self reliance. I just need to try to not get anxious about it. I am happy that they have found each other and know Heavenly Father will bring their loved ones and their village around them so that their prayers might be answered and they can live happy lives. I feel the spirit as I write this. I know Heavenly Father is aware of them and loves them and is cheering them on.

Big news

Even when I wrote my last post, I don’t think I would have believed if someone told me that I would know now that Hannah will be getting married. I am nervous but so happy for her. It was obvious watching she and Chandler tonight that it is the real thing. He may be naive and not realize what it will take making sure Hannah’s physical needs are met, but I don’t think it would scare him away regardless. They have been dating about three months now and are unofficially engaged. They want to get married the end of December but this has Sharilyn and Kayla all worked up about whether they would be able to be there then. They want them to push it a year out. This got Hannah upset and honestly though I realize how much they want to be there, I get that Chandler and Hannah want to be together as soon as possible too. It will all work out but I am sure no one is going to be 100% happy.

I restarted Medifast August 2nd, I believe and today took measurements and am happy that I have lost 7 pounds and I believe about the same in inches. Measurements were….

Neck – 14.5

Chest – 45.5

L arm – 14.5 R arm – 13.25

Waist – 43.25

Hips – 46.75

L thigh – 23.5 R thigh – 23

L calf – 14.5 R calf – 14

L ankle – 8 R ankle – 8

I am pretty pleased but this last couple of days as I could start to see and feel the results, I started to get more “cheatey”. If that isn’t a word, it is now. I am trying to understand if that is a self sabotaging move or if I already start feeling bored with the plan. It does not matter. I have to keep giving myself positive talk that won’t quit, I don’t want to be so unhappy in my own skin. I don’t want to feel so physically bad. I want to get the weight off and be able to determine if I need knee replacements yet or whether I can buy more time. I want to get my physical activity back up. I want to look really nice in a dress at Hannah’s wedding. I want my energy back.

I was so tired this weekend. It seems when I push myself hard when I have good days, I just pay for it.

Baggage

There was nothing about today that should have brought on the breakdown I just finished having. A lot of stupid little things and it felt like I would not survive. Absolutely falling apart, fifty eight and still a mess. I said a good long prayer and had a good cry. I thought I should put my feelings down but it’s hard because I don’t want to explain all the overpacked baggage. I have the cute bag and I sit on it and though I got it latched and zipped, it is so over the weight limit. No one is going to accept this bag at check in. They’ll say “mam, this is way too overpacked. We can’t accept this.”

This is where I had to take a break……… a few days later I got sick with strep throat.

Kayla was here for a month with Olivia and Romney. I wanted it to be so perfect, for me to be so perfect, but realistically when I was already struggling physically and emotionally and I had to continue working all but one week of the visit, it was hard. Kayla was so helpful and made us food, shopped and cleaned. Our car situation allowed me to let her have the Subaru during her stay which alleviated stress for us too because she had choices of how to keep them entertained. I need to call her. She left last Wednesday.

Thursday it was hard to get up. I got to work and felt achy and somewhat disoriented at times. I kept thinking there is just today and tomorrow and then it will be the weekend and you can have a break. Quickly, my instincts were telling me to run to the Dr. at lunch. Memories were coming back of cases of strep throat I had in High school.. I went for a walk-in visit at Skyline and sure enough, strep test positive and white blood cell count of 19 means good and sick. I got a note from the Dr for work, went to the pharmacy. I left work at noon and think I was in bed at 1:36. I went back and forth from waking, to take care of my basic needs, and sleeping for one and a half days. Today I feel better but still worn out. Nicole had it while Kayla was here and I sat by her at Tona but I didn’t and don’t think she was communicable by then but she got it and apparently it was out there.

The disappointing part was that I was on day 4 of Medifast. That morning I thought the headache and fatigue were my body trying to transition to ketosis and that Friday I would be sailing. I sunk and in between sleeping ate cold, dry lucky charms and Icecream. Rik went and got me a filet of fish and fries from McD’s night one and this morning a sausage McMuffin but it’s probably not a time to diet so I am right now back on plan and maybe Monday can show a few pounds.

I don’t think my body knew it was getting sick but I was tired and sometimes the best times can be times that trigger not so great memories. I think I was an okay Mother that was blessed with great daughters. They aren’t perfect but life is just hard. Satan doesn’t want us to have close family ties. He despises us showing each other encouragement. I know I have real power as a Mother to strengthen my family as my Mother did but if I am not giving myself help to make me strong, I can’t succeed.

Close to 60

If that was sixty pounds, I would be oh so close to goal but alas today I am dwelling on age. My body is suffering from all that I have subjected it to and today’s weight is 205 pounds. What scares me is that the first time the digital number of 200 came up, my heart flew to my throat but this morning when I climbed on I knew it would be over 200 and was just gauging how bad the damage was for my millionth start to true happiness and weight loss (that’s a joke). I remember once when I was going to counseling, the therapist stated that our happiness shouldn’t be based on having money but realizes it sure does help. For me happiness seems more achievable when I am at my ideal weight.

    • Neck ~ 14”
      Chest ~ 46.5
      L Arm ~ 14.5
      R Arm ~ 14
      Waist ~ 44”.
      Hips ~ 48”
      L Thigh ~ 23.5”
      R Thigh ~ 23.5”
      L Calve ~ 15”
      R Calve ~ 14.5”
      L Ankle ~ 8”
      R Ankle ~ 8”
  • I have kept little by little obtaining Medifast (Optavia) and I don’t believe using it as much as what I’ve purchased so I would guess I maybe have 4 months of stock.

    I feel like the use of my Cymbalta medication has added to my weight gain. Ever since my Mother passed away and I had such a lack of emotion, I started really wondering if my emotional state was a positive or negative consequence of medication. I feel through prayer I realized that I needed to make changes. I don’t even remember how but on Facebook I found a support group for getting off of Cymbalta. They have put together a lot of information documenting it’s toxicity. I seemed to meet the criteria for it’s no longer benefitting as much as deterring my health. I started in May the slow process of weening off. I am actually going at the fastest rate they allow per their protocol, of 10% drops. There have definitely been side effects such as hives, areas of intense itching, body aches and emotional jags, anxiety just to name what I have for sure been aware of. It is scary as I have taken this medication at least ten years and I know there was a period of time it was so beneficial but for whatever reason, that changed. Reports from users have shown over and over that long time users have steadily gained weight with it’s use. I am hopeful through this discontinuation that I will have an easier time losing weight and get out of this emotionless stupor I have been in for so long. I am scared of the return of pain and depression but hopeful as I lose weight, get outside walking more and gain back some of my physical conditioning that I can be better than now. I want to lose 80 pounds and when I think of all the stress and damage that is putting on my body and mental wellness, this is my WHY………

    My daughter Kayla and her children Olivia and Romney are visiting for a month (July) and I have been reaping so many benefits from it. I already enjoy the closest emotional relationship with her. She is such an encouragement to me. She had been cooking, helping with cleaning and even encouraged me to go to church last Sunday. It has made me stay out of bed more and be more productive. My two eldest daughters are pretty close to one another and don’t seem to need or want me in their lives as much. My second, Nicole is guarded against me and is very comfortable with her oldest sister (I am grateful for this). It is my fault that I am not as close to my third, Sharilyn. It isn’t one bit fair of me either. I have always run on such an emotional, anxiety filled, faith searching (and absolutely needing that) circuit, I think I have PTSD. I am constantly questioning and so unsure of my own actions and feelings that I think I will not stand strong if I don’t be careful about building strong emotional ties with those that may not be on that never reaching (perfection grabbing) pedestal that Satan keeps placing before me. Sharilyn is a beautiful person and has always been there for me and I know I need her. I adore her and in many ways she is far past the person I am. I really need to work on this relationship with her. Hannah is Kayla’s twin and has Cerebral Palsy and I think I am always afraid of failing with her or maybe losing her so I hold back. She is beautiful, kind and faith filled. She has been seeing a young man that is wonderful and also disabled with CP. I am hopeful but terrified where this relationship might lead but as far as Hannah, God has always made things alright.

    I am wanting so much to live in a house with my husband, alone and build our relationship, have more time to work on the house remodeling, focus and attain weight loss, build my body back to it’s healthier shape and grow a closer relationship to my Father in Heaven and Savior and follow inspiration to be a better, kinder person. It feels so overwhelming like there’s this missing real me out there in the world’s haystack.

    I am shocked ~ 202.6

    Every day is going to be one at a time. I don’t know what happened in my perfectionistic skinny snob mind that I would allow myself to weigh over 200 pounds but I just don’t seem to have any fight in me. I have been super worn out and down about myself. It has to be now. I have to change. Things have been occurring that just make me realize, I have to feel better and stop feeling disabled myself so that I can exercise and be there healthy and strong to be present in my families lives.

    A few weeks ago, I was hustling out of a patient room as I felt it had gone long, handed off the chart to the provider, went around the corner to head to my desk and my R ankle kind of caught on the carpet and folded under me. I heard a crack, crack and it hurt! It started swelling as I tried to continue through the day, limping around. I was fairly certain I had a break. This was the same foot I broke years previously and was in a boot a long time. I just didn’t want to face that I had done it again. I was embarrassed and played up to my coworkers that I had a head rush and maybe passed out. I don’t know why I did that……. I feel like I’m the older, inferior always mess up employee. As the afternoon went on my supervisor found out what happened and showed up with HR people to investigate what happened. I wasn’t even thinking of Workers Compensation but all my coworkers were saying “yeah, it happened at work and they will pay for it”. I wasn’t thinking of that and kept saying “it isn’t there fault, I was a klutz”. The HR people were eating up what I was saying and that “yes”, it probably wouldn’t be their liability. After work I went to the work med facility and found out it was indeed fractured. The mid level provider, after asking me what happened and I played up again the head rush and it being my fault stated that though that day’s visit would be covered, as I would proceed to see my own Dr, the rest would likely be on me. A few day’s later I did see Dr O’Brien and she really didn’t have too much to say about the accident but wanted me to get caught up on the things I needed to do to get myself healthy. After we talked for a little while she felt it was time for me to have a DEXA scan and mammogram, as well as getting my foot x-rayed. Her office set all that up. I started an appeal to Worker’s Comp because as I thought about it, I realized the stress I was feeling in the room as the patient was asking questions and not very happy he was only seeing the mid-level provider, knowing we were busy and the provider was waiting for his patient and I had other patients I needed to get roomed were likely the reasons I got the head rush and was hurrying down the hall. I did feel the carpet grab my shoe as I was rushing and that is what started the ankle rolling. I don’t believe the incident would have happened had I not been at work. It was just the perfect storm. I am writing this because I have been frustrated that I even have to fight them on this in spite of my taking the responsibility for being a klutz. However, I am grateful that the incident got me to the Doctor.

    After all of that, my mammogram showed a new suspicious area so I have to have repeat views this coming week, my x-ray showed that in 3 weeks there has been no healing, the DEXA scan showed a very low amount of osteopenia. It scared the crap out of me and I have had some good cries. Years ago my mammograms had led to a few biopsies, a supplement regimen and a lot of fear until we were able to rule out that I had risky breasts but they were okay. To have this come up again has caused some PTSD for sure. The fact that my bone is not healing and I know cancer can get in the way of normal healing, a growth I’ve been watching and felt concerned about on my chest and my overall exhaustion. I am praying hard that everything will be okay but it has been a wake up call for my health and the underlying obesity that I know is a negative factor for my body, period.

    I have so many cute clothes and new scrubs that I have purchased but have not been able to wear because of my weight. I want to be able to work out again and improve my self esteem. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and be able to have energy. I want to stop hiding from the world, church and the people I love.

    I have kept purchasing Medifast so I have at least a few months worth so I am going to do this. My hardest thing is that I am an all or nothing person and I am hoping I can gain enough momentum to start having the reward of weight loss. I need to be committed and take accountability for my actions. There can be so many rewards

    1. Being more healthy each day than the one previous.
    2. Having the desire to be with people.
    3. Start being back at church.
    4. Wearing all these cute clothes and scrubs.
    5. Being more comfortable this Summer when it’s so hot.
    6. Saving money from not buying Medifast or junk food.
    7. Start walking again as well as using my gym.
    8. Being able to inspire other people as well as being able to give of myself.
    1. Having the joy from being obedient to Heavenly Father.
    2. Get a new family photo with all our additions.

    This is the start. Every day I will try to add photos as well as things I am learning or struggles I come across.

    Life is a trial

    I think my inactivity at church started about 10 years ago. I think it was more than one thing. A combination of depression and discouragement, being offended, exhausted and just wanting time to myself. It isn’t something I feel good about, I feel guilty and every Sunday there is this chain of justifying excuses running through my head. By the way today is Sunday.

    I am not doing well in my life and because I have lived my life with anxiety and based on guilt and I am always beating up on myself and I’ll cut myself a little slack since I do know I am not feeling well. I have struggled with pain for years and I am sure 50% relates to my weight. I believe today it was 193-4 or so. It is now afternoon and I am still in bed. This has been a newer issue I have had for a year or so. I went to the Dr a few weeks back and found out that my Mono (EBV) was active. They say it takes trauma or a heckuva load of exhaustion to pull it into activity which I probably had both. A few months ago my Sister in law who was struggling with cancer passed away. She did not like me for a lack of any good reasons and I grew really tired of the way she treated me and my daughters. She definitely had her own demons. I felt heartbroken for my brother’s sorrow and it got me to realizing and feeling bad that none of the Sister in laws loved our family, but in particularly me. That probably made me more bothered by why Dr. A at my job has been awful to me. I know it is not me and of their own choosing but rejection is a super hard thing for me to handle. The EBV is something I had never heard of and I myself have always been prejudiced against whiny people with their new age illnesses which I know is wrong because the last several years I, myself have had my fair share of a bad back, knees, weight gain and now all the things that come from this new diagnosis. If you start reading forums from EBV patients, they seem obsessed and somewhat crazy to me with all their vague complaints. I really believe that if I would lose the almost 70 pounds down to 125, most of my health issues would become pretty insignificant. I am addicted to food. It is my comfort, my “I have value and deserve” drug. They say you have to find the root cause and I know it – I eat when I feel cheated and sorry for myself, and not nurtured.

    As Hannah (my C-Palsy daughter) has gotten older and experienced her own struggles and I have withdrawn to my own space with my heart-aching (my bedroom), I eat. As I have been heavier and out of shape and felt real aches and pains and the guilt from not achieving all that my mind says I should be, I eat. As I have missed my Mom since her passing and felt like I should have been with her more, I eat. As I have missed my husband and felt angry that his career has taken him away from us and made us miss a healthy family dynamic and I resent it, I eat. As I have to work because of our economic and debt situation and it is making me feel stretched so thin, I eat. When I have felt under qualified, under appreciated and taken for granted at my job (MA with a Cardiology group) with all it’s pressures, I eat. I find myself feeling like I am letting everyone down, that I am just a hypochondriac and cheating Heavenly Father, Rik, my daughters and Grandchildren, I eat. I feel that we were given Hannah and everyone believes that we are so great with her which is just not true. I feel like she has a million needs (ie. equipment, education, help with weight loss, getting her decent food, keeping staff, keeping her active and out in the world, helping her not be lonely and keeping her spirits up. I am so ill equipped myself to be her parent and luckily Rik is there as I eat. I obviously am not non stop eating but these are just some of the times I turn to food. It isn’t hunger. I hardly ever feel real hunger.

    I know that I am hard on myself. I feel like my gauge is not set like everyone else’s and I am always told that. The way I feel I short change everything and everyone is the driving force behind my anxiety. Maybe If I could have others scale to judge myself by it would give me some relief but I have always been like this. I don’t know why I am different.

    They say when you lose weight to remember your “why?” I do, but then I eat anyway. I think about this all the time. It has been so long now since I felt good about my weight. It has been about 15 years since it really started climbing. I did not know at first that I was hypothyroid, vitamin D deficient, etc. I kept trying to work out and walk and kept hurting my knees, having surgery to fix that and then my rotator cuff, and I got that repaired and after I had spent more time recovering than working out and had gotten into the 140’s it just feels like I lost control. At this point, I was going to school and I just put my fitness on the back burner but kept eating as much and more than when I was active as I utilized carbohydrates to give me energy. I never use to eat candy. If I baked cookies, I would eat a few but now junk and carbs are my main diet. I eat sweetened cereal right out of the box like it’s popcorn. I never have been a salt lover but I love sugar. I can eat a carton of ice cream in 3 sittings and I feel horrible after.

    So I know my why, I know my stressors. I know at night I would be better to go to sleep, though due to pain it is often difficult to do so. I am an X-lg and sometimes feel they are tight so the next thing is plus size. This weight is causing me pain, exhaustion, adding to my depression and maybe is my depression. It is suffocating me spiritually. I hate people seeing me. The nicest clothes don’t make me feel nice. Anyone who has always known me can see that my weight is an indicator of issues and yet when I tell myself don’t eat, I do.

    Tomorrow is a new day……………I pray.

    Depression ~

    I feel the same way,  just the word depression makes me want to run away from someone and I hope one day I will be able to not feel it applies to me.  Not very long ago I put a call into my primary care Dr. to ask if there was any way I could get off my Cymbalta?  I had read a bunch of stuff on a forum and for a few moments thought maybe it was doing more harm than good (I work in health care and know you shouldn’t do this) and even by the time I made the call I knew that I needed it and the Dr. would probably say “no” but if she said “yes”, I’d be good to go.  Well she said “No” and that she wouldn’t consider it especially this time of year.  I was relieved actually because those dark days have come on so fast a few times.

    I have been sick since November 14th.  I know the exact day because on Nov. 12th (my birthday) I was flying home from San Antonio and a visit to celebrate my Grandsons birthday and the sweet young woman in the middle seat was so sick.  I heard it, saw it and felt it and knew that you can’t fly home sitting next to that and not have it “get you”.  It got me and by the 14th had wrapped itself around me in a miserable way.  Today on Sunday was my second visit to urgent care and tomorrow the provider is going to get the compounding pharmacy to make me a magical concoction of antibiotics and steroids that I will be able to swim against my sinuses and hopefully kill whatever is happening in there.  I have had so many antibiotics that they don’t want to give them to me in the normal sense.  So, when I feel really bad I beat up on myself as I try to determine if it’s depression, illness or self despisal for my weight and the fact it hurts to zip my pants up.  I have been carb binging all through this illness hoping to find energy and not feeling like doing anything else except eating.

    The sweet gal that did my intake was a bit fluffy herself so she did not join me in my gasp when I saw the 195.  I can’t weigh that much especially when the dexascan lady took away one and a half inches just a few months ago. So here I am again so close to my highest weight ever. Tomorrow there is a weight loss diet bet starting that I think I’ll sign up for as soon as I finish writing down these depressing thoughts.  I don’t think I could feel any worse, at least that’s one thing.  If I don’t do something, I will soon have no clothes I fit into.  That includes my scrubs from work and they are getting pretty worn out so I need to get into all those medium ones downstairs in the storage closet.  I need to quit buying clothes that don’t fit.  Here’s to tomorrow.