Far from Perfect

The weight loss has not been going very well. It’s the same old weak spots that get me. I had hit 193 and was starting to feel and see it. I start to cheat a little and a little more and before I know it, I just can’t keep my head in it. This is something. I have got to work on if (when) I ever achieve long term success because it just isn’t reasonable that you aren’t going to take indulgences from time to time. Today I was still at 196 so I haven’t gone hog wild, but still trending back up.

This coronavirus stress is really wearing on me. Not just in struggles with weight but I am anxious and irritable. Pretty much weekly we have shifts that we are relocated or just called off at work. I try and feel I have to find work to keep my hours. I went ahead and scheduled a knee replacement on the 5th of November and the other the 19th. Since we have met our out of pocket with insurance, I want to get them done and I am trying to get in with a urogynecologist and get my bladder lifted in October so I will just take 12 weeks of FMLA and be done with the big stuff. Rik is also going to have his second knee done before the years up. Honestly, I hope that through this time covid slows or goes away, our new provider at work starts Practicing and things pick back up so after the first of the year, we can just work. My Director at work kind of seems like he is just always going to be sending us home unless we have patients. I think he doesn’t see the time needed for all the other duties.

Between the stress and us just being short staffed at work. I find it difficult to get my Medifast meals prepared and in as well as drinking adequate water. To be successful at this program you have to work it and get your mind into it too. One of the things I need to do that I know would help is going through my prepared packets each night and knowing what condiments, etc I need like syrup for the pancakes. I have also read that people cook things ahead in the dash.

This past Monday Rik and I went down to Orem for my Aunt’s funeral. This was my last Aunt on my Father’s side. Now my Uncle is the last remaining sibling of my Dad’s. I felt so sad for him. My Aunt suffered from dementia and I don’t know how long it has been since he was really emotionally and mentally with her. The covid has forced people in care centers to only visit their loved ones through glass since they are so much more vulnerable to illness. One elderly acquaintance commented to Rik regarding the separation from loved ones “to have lived your whole life and now at the end be stuck in hell”. Though we have faith that she is now reunited with all of our loved ones that have gone before, we still ache and miss them when they go. I can’t even imagine what it will be like to lose Rik one day. I tell him I get to die first.

We had a very nice barbecue at Chantelle’s on Sunday. We have tried to get together for Sunday dinners every 3rd or 4th Sunday rotating with Chantelle, Nicole and I. I think I have bombed out on my last two turns. I know it’s the depression and I just have to fight harder to find my way out of it. I have been slowly weening off an antidepressant for over a year now and I definitely feel the loss of some of it, but the full return of my emotions is so worth it. I got so tired of feeling dead. We had such good food and I really enjoy my daughter’s and their families. The girl’s have turned into amazing cooks. Nicole made my Mother’s macaroni salad and it was spot on. Everyone of them have mastered this. I really thought of my Mom and I miss her. With my Aunts passing away, I think I was feeling even more sensitive of her loss.

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