Oh My Fat ~

We just got back from Texas. Rik and I went down to witness Olivia’s baptism and Nora’s baby blessing on a Sunday evening with the smallest of crowd present, because Covid is still looming. We wore masks. Holli and Dave were there visiting with us at the same time. We got there Saturday evening, had the girls service Sunday and then Monday headed to Rockport to a beach house Jordan and Kayla got. It was really cute. The crappy part was by the time we got there I was feeling that urinary burning and spasms and was pretty miserable. We went to the beach for a while and I am glad for that because the next day that they were planning on spending the entirety of at the beach, I was not feeling good and stayed at the beach house. My body was not happy and I passed a lot of blood, which I have never done before and I am not sure if this was kidney or UTI. I tried to drink more water but it isn’t fun making that pressure build. I wasn’t a whole lot of fun, I’m afraid.

We came back late Wednesday night and I was suppose to work Thursday but called in. I was so tired and wanting to be able to pee as much as necessary. I went to work Friday and pretty much worked all alone. April came at 10 am but that was pointless because most of the patients had early appointments. Even the few that were later, she didn’t try to help rooming. I found out that day that they still plan on eliminating about 6 positions over the whole Cardiology clinic in order to save costs. Covid supposedly has forced Intermountain to lose 430 million dollars. They cut our 401K match through the end of the year which will make up about 17 million. What I don’t understand is why they would do that. During this virus we have been deemed essential workers so we have to stay at risk and work if they don’t call us off because our census has dropped. Employees at jobs that have laid off are getting unemployment and $600 extra a week of crisis help. I realize some of those people will never get their jobs back and I feel fortunate that Rik and I’s jobs and benefits have continued, but it is stressful being out there, masking up, addressing patient concerns. I don’t get that Intermountain Health Care feels that it is our responsibility to make up the losses. They started canceling everything when nothing was even happening yet. I am sure Marc Harrison, our CEO isn’t going to take his bonus (if he get’s one) at the the end of the year and say “Oh here, this is to make up for all those Covid losses.” He is the very one that owns how this has been managed over and above everyone else.

My fellow workers are all hyped up and I believe dramatizing the risks that are present. Especially in the beginning. Utah just was not being effected as states like NY and California, Texas and some others. Hospitals in NY had refrigerated trucks outside their facilities for the overflow of bodies they were losing. This illness attacks people with other frailties and can do a lot of damage to the respiratory system. I have worried due to my past sinus issues, pneumonia and my obesity and age. If I were to get it, I don’t know how strong my body would be. Yet, I have not been afraid. I take reasonable precautions but I am probably not as focused as I should or could be. The main thing is to not touch your face and wash and wash your hands, especially when coming home to Chandler and Hannah.

When in Texas and even before, I saw pictures of myself and it hurts to admit to myself how much weight I have put on. I am at about 197 now and that is not the heaviest, I think that was 206 but I have continued to lose muscle so all of the weight is pretty much fat. It would probably break my heart if I knew the thoughts or words people that don’t see me often or haven’t for a long while think or say. I have gained so much in my chest area and I was never comfortable about my chest anyway.

Last night I made a new weight chart and I am determined to be successful. Starting tomorrow I am at the Medifast again. Some of my food is old tasting but I just can’t waste it. I have to use this. I think I have enough to get me through December and I may be able to get most of this off by then – at least 50 pounds I hope but maybe all of it (72-75). (Had a revelation, every 24pk flat of water weighs about 25 pounds so I am carrying 3 of those around with me all the time). I am worried that since I have been messing around with it for so long, that my body may not yield the fastest results, plus I am 59. When I turn 60 in November I would be a lot less ashamed to say that I weigh 145 than 197. I just have to stay the plan. I am going to try to have a good attitude and realize that the benefits are joyful. I see Dr. Grunander at the end of this month to look at my knees so I am thinking my mid September I will get the first one done and the second the first of October. It will be so much better for my knees to heal and service a non-obese body. I am hoping that will take the pressure off my tailor’s bunion. Possibly though since our copay is met this year at the end of the year if my prolapse and apron is still bad, I could get my female issues and abdominal’s fixed too.

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