There are fires burning everywhere again. You cannot see our beautiful mountains due to the haze and smoke. I always keep my bathroom window open a little and I just realized tonight, I think that is what is making my R eye papillae so bad. It was not until earlier this week when my eye was killing and I could hardly stand it being open that I went over to the eye Dr. and finally had someone explain what is going on with this eye. So, now I know I have Papillae that are very angry right now. I knew I have allergies and earlier when the smoke was getting in the house and Rik said to shut the window, I realized that might be what is bothering my eye. The Dr. gave me antibiotic drops but was 50/50 whether that was at all going to help. I go back on the 4th of September and if it is going to be aggravated like this until then, I will lose my mind.

Since we came back from Texas I have been suffering with a UTI, Bladder prolapse, knee inflammation and this eye ailment. I am exhausted. I have not had more than 3 hours of sleep at a time forever. on top of that my stomach has been off and on. I think that might have been the Macrodantin and eye drops.

The Medifast cheating started again a little at a time until I was back off plan the last few days. Work was busier last week and I was really feeling horrid each day. With wearing the mask it makes it very difficult to get the water in or eat, plus I didn’t want to have the pee pressure. I think I am still down 4 pounds so tomorrow I an grabbing hold again. I know with seeing the knee Dr., it is going to be hard to stay on plan as I have surgery and sit around trying to recover but getting this weight off is so critical to it all being worth it. I just have to keep going at this. I heard three weeks make a new habit so I am shooting for a very clean, on plan 3 weeks.

Neck -14″

I took new measurements the other day but I don’t think there was much improvement.

August 16, 2020

Neck -14″

Chest -45″

R arm -12.5″

L arm -14″

Waist -42″

Hips -47″

Thigh tops -39″

R thigh -21″

L thigh -22.5″

R calf -14″

L calf -14.5″

R ankle -7.5′

L ankle -7.75″

Day 1

There have been far more day one’s than I wish to admit. I didn’t drink enough water today. It is just really hard at work to guzzle water. I maybe drank 48 ounces and probably the same of watered down diet coke.

They are going to eliminate about 6 positions from my office (all of cardiology) by the end of the week in an effort to cut costs as tightly as they can due to Covid losses. I don’t see how 6 more positions need to be eliminated, really rebalanced. I don’t think I will be one of them but the anxiety is there. I have considered that I don’t room for Dr. A. I am argumentative at times and have told my boss how I feel more than once, my dang attitude. I am not a kiss up. I am not the fastest at everything I do. The other thoughts I have are just me beating up on myself. I worry that I told my boss that I am going to have knee replacements. I really wanted to keep building on my retirement there but honestly, the morale has really sunk. I wonder if my mental health can handle 7 more years of it. I love the patients and my coworkers but upper management just beats us down. I am just going to pray that God will watch out for me and I will try to trust the process.

Chandler’s cousin that is about to be a Senior in High School was badly hurt in an accident along with three other teens. While the other teens have basically been ruled okay, Sarah was pinned in the car with a lack of blood flow to her legs for an hour before someone with cell service in the canyon they crashed in was able to get help to them. Sarah’s back was broken leaving her a paraplegic. Her legs have been amputated to the top of her thighs. It has been 11 days since the crash and she has had eleven surgeries. Yesterday they announced she has sepsis so they are fighting that. My heart has been with that family. I wish with all my heart that Sarah can overcome all this and stay with her family.

I started the program this morning at 198, which is a little up from the 196 I had been at. It is just due to eating poorly in Texas. I expect to go back to that pretty quickly. My heart just hurts with all the stress but I am committed still. Day 1 in the books. I will try to write a little everyday as I travel this Medifast journey.

Oh My Fat ~

We just got back from Texas. Rik and I went down to witness Olivia’s baptism and Nora’s baby blessing on a Sunday evening with the smallest of crowd present, because Covid is still looming. We wore masks. Holli and Dave were there visiting with us at the same time. We got there Saturday evening, had the girls service Sunday and then Monday headed to Rockport to a beach house Jordan and Kayla got. It was really cute. The crappy part was by the time we got there I was feeling that urinary burning and spasms and was pretty miserable. We went to the beach for a while and I am glad for that because the next day that they were planning on spending the entirety of at the beach, I was not feeling good and stayed at the beach house. My body was not happy and I passed a lot of blood, which I have never done before and I am not sure if this was kidney or UTI. I tried to drink more water but it isn’t fun making that pressure build. I wasn’t a whole lot of fun, I’m afraid.

We came back late Wednesday night and I was suppose to work Thursday but called in. I was so tired and wanting to be able to pee as much as necessary. I went to work Friday and pretty much worked all alone. April came at 10 am but that was pointless because most of the patients had early appointments. Even the few that were later, she didn’t try to help rooming. I found out that day that they still plan on eliminating about 6 positions over the whole Cardiology clinic in order to save costs. Covid supposedly has forced Intermountain to lose 430 million dollars. They cut our 401K match through the end of the year which will make up about 17 million. What I don’t understand is why they would do that. During this virus we have been deemed essential workers so we have to stay at risk and work if they don’t call us off because our census has dropped. Employees at jobs that have laid off are getting unemployment and $600 extra a week of crisis help. I realize some of those people will never get their jobs back and I feel fortunate that Rik and I’s jobs and benefits have continued, but it is stressful being out there, masking up, addressing patient concerns. I don’t get that Intermountain Health Care feels that it is our responsibility to make up the losses. They started canceling everything when nothing was even happening yet. I am sure Marc Harrison, our CEO isn’t going to take his bonus (if he get’s one) at the the end of the year and say “Oh here, this is to make up for all those Covid losses.” He is the very one that owns how this has been managed over and above everyone else.

My fellow workers are all hyped up and I believe dramatizing the risks that are present. Especially in the beginning. Utah just was not being effected as states like NY and California, Texas and some others. Hospitals in NY had refrigerated trucks outside their facilities for the overflow of bodies they were losing. This illness attacks people with other frailties and can do a lot of damage to the respiratory system. I have worried due to my past sinus issues, pneumonia and my obesity and age. If I were to get it, I don’t know how strong my body would be. Yet, I have not been afraid. I take reasonable precautions but I am probably not as focused as I should or could be. The main thing is to not touch your face and wash and wash your hands, especially when coming home to Chandler and Hannah.

When in Texas and even before, I saw pictures of myself and it hurts to admit to myself how much weight I have put on. I am at about 197 now and that is not the heaviest, I think that was 206 but I have continued to lose muscle so all of the weight is pretty much fat. It would probably break my heart if I knew the thoughts or words people that don’t see me often or haven’t for a long while think or say. I have gained so much in my chest area and I was never comfortable about my chest anyway.

Last night I made a new weight chart and I am determined to be successful. Starting tomorrow I am at the Medifast again. Some of my food is old tasting but I just can’t waste it. I have to use this. I think I have enough to get me through December and I may be able to get most of this off by then – at least 50 pounds I hope but maybe all of it (72-75). (Had a revelation, every 24pk flat of water weighs about 25 pounds so I am carrying 3 of those around with me all the time). I am worried that since I have been messing around with it for so long, that my body may not yield the fastest results, plus I am 59. When I turn 60 in November I would be a lot less ashamed to say that I weigh 145 than 197. I just have to stay the plan. I am going to try to have a good attitude and realize that the benefits are joyful. I see Dr. Grunander at the end of this month to look at my knees so I am thinking my mid September I will get the first one done and the second the first of October. It will be so much better for my knees to heal and service a non-obese body. I am hoping that will take the pressure off my tailor’s bunion. Possibly though since our copay is met this year at the end of the year if my prolapse and apron is still bad, I could get my female issues and abdominal’s fixed too.