I have mastered disassociating. It is the only way that I am handling these times that we are in. It feels like we are living in Groundhog Day. I really do desire to be a positive person but I have been feeling so negative. I worry. What if this is what the world is going to be like from now on. Maybe not COVID, but just one trial after another. This would be my idea of what Hell is. I have always been blessed with being able to find someone that I can talk to, talk it out with. Rik is the only lucky recipient to hear my fears and points of view.
I still believe that President Trump has to be reelected. I have always felt that I could be on a side but watch from a safe distance and that luxurious time is slipping away. If you are not a conservative republican then you have to admit you are a socialist leaning, liberal democrat. It breaks my heart that some of my kids are veering to that side. I just don’t see how they can think that those ideals are anywhere near everything that this country has stood strong for. All that lives have been lost for in battle. I wish someone could assure me that my heart is in the right place. I know that I have not always been right but my heart and my spirit are telling me that even though I think Trump is less than a good moral man, his ideals for this country are where mine are.
I have been dwelling a lot lately on how much longer I have to work and it feels like it will be forever until I am 67. That is the medium age for Social Security. If one works until they are 70 then they can receive the premium pay but there is no way I can do that. Having grown up poor and spending my summers at 11 years of age picking cherries for school clothes money, I feel I have been working forever. I feel pretty picked on. Is this just normal that we have no choices and feel like a slave to the lives we are in. Part of my desire to stay home is wanting to get away from people. I have not been good at setting an example at my job of who I really should be. I feel like my spirit is cringing when I am out there in the world. I am not perfect, far from it but I cannot find the holy ghost when I am trying to live out and about. I recognize that some of it is depression but it feels like the worst case of battle fatigue.
Kayla and Jordan and the kids had intended to come out in August to have Olivia baptized and Nora (our 12th and final Grandbaby) blessed. Texas is one of the worst states for COVID right now so the military has stay in place orders of no more that 300 miles away so they are not able to come and be with the whole family for those events. Rik and I, Dave and Holli are going to go there the first part of August. I am looking so forward to it but not comfortable letting my work know. I am afraid there would be views or orders given to quarantine for 14 days when I return and I cannot afford to do that. I do not have the PTO to cover my benefits for all this time off so I am being creative as to how to make it work but I do not want to miss Olivia’s baptism. I am looking forward to getting away.
I love Hannah and Chandler but I am so tired of feeling bound down to others. I just want some freedoms of how I spend my days and being able to just feel “me time”. If that is selfish, then I am feeling selfish. I have not been very impressed with Chandler’s Mom Amber and or the rest of his family. They seem pretty selfish and are never going to offer themselves up to being helpful and supportive of Hannah and Chandler’s needs. I feel like Amber has just had an attitude of there you go, I am free. She made the comment once during wedding planning of how exhausted she was and I knew then that her views were pretty self centered. Chandler’s Dad attempted suicide about two month’s after their wedding. It was a miracle that the gun shot wound to his chest only destroyed a lung that night and gave the family the opportunity to spend 6 more weeks praying over him and expressing their love but on Memorial Day they had to realize the reality that his body could not make a strong enough recovery to continue this life, and he was taken off all support and passed on. He seemed as if he may make it, was communicative and even had a positive attitude but he always required some ECMO support. I have felt sad and angry. I think with more years of trying that he and Chandler could have built a better relationship and Chandler may have realized that his Dad was not an awful person. His ex wife (Chandler’s mom) has spent these past years bashing his name to the two children, now adults. Having come from a broken family, had my Mother spoke vial of my Dad day after day I cannot imagine how much more wounded I would have been. As I see it now, I do not know if Chandler will ever heal from the mental abuse and poor reviews in his mind of his father. Amber has not treated my daughter with as much love and kindness as she should have either. It is just too important to her to keep control of her Son. I am disappointed with her lack of preparing him to be a self reliant man and husband. But, what they have going for them is God’s love for them and their marriage. I am so proud of the two of them and the way they are working through things. Chandler also lost his Grandmother (his Mom’s Mother) prior to his Father’s passing but these two young adults have cried together, fought together and kept loving one another through all and I will do everything I can to provide and support a safe loving shelter and arms around them.
I so hope and pray that this COVID will find it’s way out of our lives by the end of the year. I hope that it is true what many think that after the elections are over, it will dissipate. The rioting and breakdown of our country has continued as police departments have not been supported. There is much contention over how to eradicate the virus, people wearing masks and whether businesses and education should be allowed to reopen. We are acting anything but civilized. It makes me visualize the stories from the scriptures of how evil and corrupt a people can be. Last week they for the first time in months held 45 minute church services dividing the population alphabetically in thirds. I did not go but Rik thought there were maybe 45-60 people there. Heartbreaking.