I am shocked ~ 202.6

Every day is going to be one at a time. I don’t know what happened in my perfectionistic skinny snob mind that I would allow myself to weigh over 200 pounds but I just don’t seem to have any fight in me. I have been super worn out and down about myself. It has to be now. I have to change. Things have been occurring that just make me realize, I have to feel better and stop feeling disabled myself so that I can exercise and be there healthy and strong to be present in my families lives.

A few weeks ago, I was hustling out of a patient room as I felt it had gone long, handed off the chart to the provider, went around the corner to head to my desk and my R ankle kind of caught on the carpet and folded under me. I heard a crack, crack and it hurt! It started swelling as I tried to continue through the day, limping around. I was fairly certain I had a break. This was the same foot I broke years previously and was in a boot a long time. I just didn’t want to face that I had done it again. I was embarrassed and played up to my coworkers that I had a head rush and maybe passed out. I don’t know why I did that……. I feel like I’m the older, inferior always mess up employee. As the afternoon went on my supervisor found out what happened and showed up with HR people to investigate what happened. I wasn’t even thinking of Workers Compensation but all my coworkers were saying “yeah, it happened at work and they will pay for it”. I wasn’t thinking of that and kept saying “it isn’t there fault, I was a klutz”. The HR people were eating up what I was saying and that “yes”, it probably wouldn’t be their liability. After work I went to the work med facility and found out it was indeed fractured. The mid level provider, after asking me what happened and I played up again the head rush and it being my fault stated that though that day’s visit would be covered, as I would proceed to see my own Dr, the rest would likely be on me. A few day’s later I did see Dr O’Brien and she really didn’t have too much to say about the accident but wanted me to get caught up on the things I needed to do to get myself healthy. After we talked for a little while she felt it was time for me to have a DEXA scan and mammogram, as well as getting my foot x-rayed. Her office set all that up. I started an appeal to Worker’s Comp because as I thought about it, I realized the stress I was feeling in the room as the patient was asking questions and not very happy he was only seeing the mid-level provider, knowing we were busy and the provider was waiting for his patient and I had other patients I needed to get roomed were likely the reasons I got the head rush and was hurrying down the hall. I did feel the carpet grab my shoe as I was rushing and that is what started the ankle rolling. I don’t believe the incident would have happened had I not been at work. It was just the perfect storm. I am writing this because I have been frustrated that I even have to fight them on this in spite of my taking the responsibility for being a klutz. However, I am grateful that the incident got me to the Doctor.

After all of that, my mammogram showed a new suspicious area so I have to have repeat views this coming week, my x-ray showed that in 3 weeks there has been no healing, the DEXA scan showed a very low amount of osteopenia. It scared the crap out of me and I have had some good cries. Years ago my mammograms had led to a few biopsies, a supplement regimen and a lot of fear until we were able to rule out that I had risky breasts but they were okay. To have this come up again has caused some PTSD for sure. The fact that my bone is not healing and I know cancer can get in the way of normal healing, a growth I’ve been watching and felt concerned about on my chest and my overall exhaustion. I am praying hard that everything will be okay but it has been a wake up call for my health and the underlying obesity that I know is a negative factor for my body, period.

I have so many cute clothes and new scrubs that I have purchased but have not been able to wear because of my weight. I want to be able to work out again and improve my self esteem. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and be able to have energy. I want to stop hiding from the world, church and the people I love.

I have kept purchasing Medifast so I have at least a few months worth so I am going to do this. My hardest thing is that I am an all or nothing person and I am hoping I can gain enough momentum to start having the reward of weight loss. I need to be committed and take accountability for my actions. There can be so many rewards

  1. Being more healthy each day than the one previous.
  2. Having the desire to be with people.
  3. Start being back at church.
  4. Wearing all these cute clothes and scrubs.
  5. Being more comfortable this Summer when it’s so hot.
  6. Saving money from not buying Medifast or junk food.
  7. Start walking again as well as using my gym.
  8. Being able to inspire other people as well as being able to give of myself.
  1. Having the joy from being obedient to Heavenly Father.
  2. Get a new family photo with all our additions.

This is the start. Every day I will try to add photos as well as things I am learning or struggles I come across.