Life is a trial

I think my inactivity at church started about 10 years ago. I think it was more than one thing. A combination of depression and discouragement, being offended, exhausted and just wanting time to myself. It isn’t something I feel good about, I feel guilty and every Sunday there is this chain of justifying excuses running through my head. By the way today is Sunday.

I am not doing well in my life and because I have lived my life with anxiety and based on guilt and I am always beating up on myself and I’ll cut myself a little slack since I do know I am not feeling well. I have struggled with pain for years and I am sure 50% relates to my weight. I believe today it was 193-4 or so. It is now afternoon and I am still in bed. This has been a newer issue I have had for a year or so. I went to the Dr a few weeks back and found out that my Mono (EBV) was active. They say it takes trauma or a heckuva load of exhaustion to pull it into activity which I probably had both. A few months ago my Sister in law who was struggling with cancer passed away. She did not like me for a lack of any good reasons and I grew really tired of the way she treated me and my daughters. She definitely had her own demons. I felt heartbroken for my brother’s sorrow and it got me to realizing and feeling bad that none of the Sister in laws loved our family, but in particularly me. That probably made me more bothered by why Dr. A at my job has been awful to me. I know it is not me and of their own choosing but rejection is a super hard thing for me to handle. The EBV is something I had never heard of and I myself have always been prejudiced against whiny people with their new age illnesses which I know is wrong because the last several years I, myself have had my fair share of a bad back, knees, weight gain and now all the things that come from this new diagnosis. If you start reading forums from EBV patients, they seem obsessed and somewhat crazy to me with all their vague complaints. I really believe that if I would lose the almost 70 pounds down to 125, most of my health issues would become pretty insignificant. I am addicted to food. It is my comfort, my “I have value and deserve” drug. They say you have to find the root cause and I know it – I eat when I feel cheated and sorry for myself, and not nurtured.

As Hannah (my C-Palsy daughter) has gotten older and experienced her own struggles and I have withdrawn to my own space with my heart-aching (my bedroom), I eat. As I have been heavier and out of shape and felt real aches and pains and the guilt from not achieving all that my mind says I should be, I eat. As I have missed my Mom since her passing and felt like I should have been with her more, I eat. As I have missed my husband and felt angry that his career has taken him away from us and made us miss a healthy family dynamic and I resent it, I eat. As I have to work because of our economic and debt situation and it is making me feel stretched so thin, I eat. When I have felt under qualified, under appreciated and taken for granted at my job (MA with a Cardiology group) with all it’s pressures, I eat. I find myself feeling like I am letting everyone down, that I am just a hypochondriac and cheating Heavenly Father, Rik, my daughters and Grandchildren, I eat. I feel that we were given Hannah and everyone believes that we are so great with her which is just not true. I feel like she has a million needs (ie. equipment, education, help with weight loss, getting her decent food, keeping staff, keeping her active and out in the world, helping her not be lonely and keeping her spirits up. I am so ill equipped myself to be her parent and luckily Rik is there as I eat. I obviously am not non stop eating but these are just some of the times I turn to food. It isn’t hunger. I hardly ever feel real hunger.

I know that I am hard on myself. I feel like my gauge is not set like everyone else’s and I am always told that. The way I feel I short change everything and everyone is the driving force behind my anxiety. Maybe If I could have others scale to judge myself by it would give me some relief but I have always been like this. I don’t know why I am different.

They say when you lose weight to remember your “why?” I do, but then I eat anyway. I think about this all the time. It has been so long now since I felt good about my weight. It has been about 15 years since it really started climbing. I did not know at first that I was hypothyroid, vitamin D deficient, etc. I kept trying to work out and walk and kept hurting my knees, having surgery to fix that and then my rotator cuff, and I got that repaired and after I had spent more time recovering than working out and had gotten into the 140’s it just feels like I lost control. At this point, I was going to school and I just put my fitness on the back burner but kept eating as much and more than when I was active as I utilized carbohydrates to give me energy. I never use to eat candy. If I baked cookies, I would eat a few but now junk and carbs are my main diet. I eat sweetened cereal right out of the box like it’s popcorn. I never have been a salt lover but I love sugar. I can eat a carton of ice cream in 3 sittings and I feel horrible after.

So I know my why, I know my stressors. I know at night I would be better to go to sleep, though due to pain it is often difficult to do so. I am an X-lg and sometimes feel they are tight so the next thing is plus size. This weight is causing me pain, exhaustion, adding to my depression and maybe is my depression. It is suffocating me spiritually. I hate people seeing me. The nicest clothes don’t make me feel nice. Anyone who has always known me can see that my weight is an indicator of issues and yet when I tell myself don’t eat, I do.

Tomorrow is a new day……………I pray.

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