Depression ~

I feel the same way,  just the word depression makes me want to run away from someone and I hope one day I will be able to not feel it applies to me.  Not very long ago I put a call into my primary care Dr. to ask if there was any way I could get off my Cymbalta?  I had read a bunch of stuff on a forum and for a few moments thought maybe it was doing more harm than good (I work in health care and know you shouldn’t do this) and even by the time I made the call I knew that I needed it and the Dr. would probably say “no” but if she said “yes”, I’d be good to go.  Well she said “No” and that she wouldn’t consider it especially this time of year.  I was relieved actually because those dark days have come on so fast a few times.

I have been sick since November 14th.  I know the exact day because on Nov. 12th (my birthday) I was flying home from San Antonio and a visit to celebrate my Grandsons birthday and the sweet young woman in the middle seat was so sick.  I heard it, saw it and felt it and knew that you can’t fly home sitting next to that and not have it “get you”.  It got me and by the 14th had wrapped itself around me in a miserable way.  Today on Sunday was my second visit to urgent care and tomorrow the provider is going to get the compounding pharmacy to make me a magical concoction of antibiotics and steroids that I will be able to swim against my sinuses and hopefully kill whatever is happening in there.  I have had so many antibiotics that they don’t want to give them to me in the normal sense.  So, when I feel really bad I beat up on myself as I try to determine if it’s depression, illness or self despisal for my weight and the fact it hurts to zip my pants up.  I have been carb binging all through this illness hoping to find energy and not feeling like doing anything else except eating.

The sweet gal that did my intake was a bit fluffy herself so she did not join me in my gasp when I saw the 195.  I can’t weigh that much especially when the dexascan lady took away one and a half inches just a few months ago. So here I am again so close to my highest weight ever. Tomorrow there is a weight loss diet bet starting that I think I’ll sign up for as soon as I finish writing down these depressing thoughts.  I don’t think I could feel any worse, at least that’s one thing.  If I don’t do something, I will soon have no clothes I fit into.  That includes my scrubs from work and they are getting pretty worn out so I need to get into all those medium ones downstairs in the storage closet.  I need to quit buying clothes that don’t fit.  Here’s to tomorrow.