At ‘er again!

This time I am not looking back at my last post first.  I am not going to fill like a failure who never makes it to success.  Right now my success is making it almost through week one and today I am down 6 pounds.  Hoping for a little more tomorrow.  I still haven’t read the Medifast materials but I believe I’ve been 93-98% on plan.  I need to read the materials, drink more water and get my meals in on time.  Rik ordered Nutrisystem and started with me last Monday and it is an enormous help just knowing he is still at it makes me competitive and creates a desire to do this with him.  He already per the ‘man rules’ has lost 1 pound  more than me but who knows whose program will keep the scale moving more consistently ~ we’ll see.   I am going to try to create a side chart with my losses but I am not too tech savvy so we’ll see if I can do that.  I’ll try to post Rik’s start weight and where he’s at at least each time I blog.

I wanted to do this because I felt like there aren’t enough blogs out there that report the journey, the success each day, the triggers, the frustrations.  I think when you’re an emotional eater, we all don’t have too many differences and I notice that when I talk to others.  There are a lot of “I’m the same ways” between us.  It doesn’t make it any easier but it would have helped me if I had someone to relate to each day and know they were making it through it.

I am a closet Medifaster right now and don’t want my original coach or anyone with the group to know. (Medifast has secret groups on Facebook for users to share)  There are a couple of different reasons for this.  A trigger for failure to me is if I feel watched, hassled, or backed into a corner.  It’s a control thing I am sure.  I feel like I have let my coach (weight loss, commissioned mentor that you buy through) down and I am exasperating to her and everyone that I constantly proclaim “I am trying” to.  I bought some foods from Medifast quitters and I have bought some directly through the site under my husband and daughter’s names.  The reason for that is that if I register under my own name, it brings up my coaches name and I am hoping that she isn’t seeing my purchases but if I keep my success going this time and utilize what I have and need more, I would love to have the confidence and strength to let her know that I need more food and her get credit for me.  Not just monetary credit but mentor credit.  My daughter is related through marriage to her and she is a lovely person and is the reason I started with this program and she has not been pushy at all.  I have always had commitment issues and depression has fueled that to where my word to myself (i.e. goals) isn’t valid.

I had a talk with one of my daughter’s who has also struggled with depression and she reminded me that chronic depression takes a constant battle from the offended to keep your head above water, exercise, spirituality, diet, rest and positive input through connection with others are just some.  It is a fight!  I never knew about ‘the black dog’ until this last year or so and at first thought it ridiculous but have come to clearly believe in the metaphor.

My husband and I have started a complete refurbishing of our home and I hate that I am so blah, tired and completely unmotivated and I am sure it is frustrating to him and all around me.  It could be vanity but getting this weight off feels like the starting spark I need to see where I can be with my fitness, in spite of trashed knees, my feeling good about myself and wanting to be out in the world, getting my endorphins and energy up and just being able to love people.   It’s what life is about.