Trying to hold on

I was reading my last post and I am sort of shocked myself that I put that all down but glad I did because I keep so much inside.  Since I have zero readers, this is a pretty safe place to tell it like it is.  I am still in that depressed place, with a few ups and downs.  I keep so much inside.  I feel like no one can possibly have these feelings and thoughts I do at 56 years of age.  I wonder all the time why I am so insecure, anxious and self loathing.  I read an article a while back that stated that being suicidal isn’t necessarily having a plan but it can be just the feelings of not wanting to live, wishing you could disappear.  I am not in a good place, I know.  I feel like the thoughts I have are so immature, like I am 14 again.  I feel anxiety all the time and I have no one I can talk to that I feel I wouldn’t either terrify or they just wouldn’t get my obsessive thoughts.  Satan is literally beating me up.  I know my Father in Heaven and Savior would not want me to feel like this but I can’t find the way out.

Things at work aren’t better.  I feel like I need to just keep quiet.  The Doctor has been wanting Kelly to scribe for him and has forced her to start by going to our nurse supervisor and our regional manager, (our manager was fired).  Kelly does not want to do it but I think she doesn’t want to have Dr. A hate her either, and I told her she can’t be middle of the line and she has to stand strong to what she feels.  I stayed home today with a stomach bug or something I ate and even though I felt awful, I feel guilty because last time I tried to call in after my fall over Kayla’s luggage she made me feel so terrible but I know the stress of working is making me feel anxiety and awful a lot.  I need to write down everything but it overwhelms me but I am going to try.

From the beginning of Dr. A coming to our clinic, he would pick at me whenever I made a mistake or missed anything.  When I would try to apologize or explain, he would cut me off and shut me up. I could feel that he was bothered and impatient of me which started to make me very anxious and to feel picked on, bullied by him.  Some of my coworkers started to say things like “he really doesn’t like you”, which made me feel bad and very inferior.  There have been times when I spoke about his behavior to my co workers and I didn’t worry about him hearing because I wanted him to be aware of how I was feeling but I realized soon that he didn’t care about me or anyone else.  I felt that if anyone crossed him or didn’t play into his ego that he would rather they just be gone.  One Friday when I was the last to stay and take phone calls, a patient of his, in the last hour called and was concerned about some things and I tried to appease him as Dr. A had left and said sarcastically on his way out the door, that he was gone for the weekend and not to bother him and I already believed he thought I was worthless, so I really didn’t want to call him.  I tried to tell the patient what to do about his elevated BP, when (within range) to take his medication and I was told I called the medication a similarly named drug, which disturbs me but if I did but the chances of the patient having that medication around would be slim and I would think the patient knew I was misspeaking.  The patient was sounding upset that Dr A wasn’t there and I gave him advisement to call the on call Dr if he became too concerned.  When I documented this, I did not put it in the message log because I felt he would learn about it if the patient received other advisement so I chose to put it in the phone notes.  Later when the patient complained to Dr. A about what happened and not feeling like he could communicate his concerns or that he got adequate care, Dr. A found my note and was upset that I didn’t contact him, that I mentioned the name of an improper drug to the patient and I believe Dr. A didn’t like a patient being upset about anything.  He reported this and I was called in and subsequently written up which I feel was some what justified.  My clinical manager advised me to try to not room for him as she felt he had it out for me when he stated that I didn’t send him notes that were written right, I didn’t reconcile med lists right, I was too slow and she could tell that he just did not like me.  He had also started to complain about a coworker – Shelly, and when she asked what was wrong with Shelly?  He hesitated and then said “nothing, she is just new”.   Kristen, my supervisor asked that I try to not room for him but to remain professional and if the other nursing staff were all rooming when his chart came up, to go ahead and get it roomed. (In our office, we have double the providers as we do staff so we all room for each provider as the charts are placed, working as fast and as efficiently as we can).  I explained this advisement to my coworkers which was embarrassing as it made it so I had to address his not caring for my performance.  This is the way I started working but there were many times, I felt I better room for him as the other staff were busy and even times he asked me to room a patient.  I tried to do it perfectly, but I was nervous and anxious each time.  We ask the patients to bring a medication list but they often don’t so there were times I told him that I was going to call the patient’s pharmacy, there were times Dr A was standing right outside the door because he thought I took too long.  There were times I could tell my coworkers felt annoyed that I wasn’t taking his part of the load enough as he sees the most patients, also has add on patients that come directly over from their tests across the hall to do immediate result reviews and his expectations are high stress to each of us.  I noticed he continued to call my coworkers out on their rooming about the med lists not being right, about not having other information he had wanted, at times, putting his own patients in rooms because he didn’t want to wait, going in while they were still rooming.  All of the same things that he didn’t like about me, but it made sense to me that he couldn’t complain about everyone or he would have no one.  I spoke to my sister (a newly retired nurse) as each event happened and she asked me if I thought he had problems with my age, until then I just thought it was any sort of imperfection but I remembered how they said he had started to complain about Shelly, who just turned 50 and I told her “maybe”.   While all of this was happening and just dealing with the normal stresses of our office, we were getting to know and understand Shelly who as our nurse is the newest member of our office.  My assessment of Shelly is that she is loud (even more than me), she seems to have to be working every minute, even through lunch she does not take a break.  She would constantly ask each of us if she could help with our work.  She came to work at our clinic through knowing our nurse manager (their boys swim at the school team together).  Each clinic section has a nurse and our clinic is the south section of interventional cardiology.  Our nurse manager works with north interventional and in between are the Electrical Physiology and the Heart Failure sections.  Our section was formerly private and then merged into the hospital cardiology unit and there has been a political battle going on, even prior to my joining that they are the stepchildren, outsiders, thorn in their side and this is not imagined but has shown to be evident again and again to me.  It would make me feel bad if I hadn’t learned that the hardest working, most efficient and wonderful staff members seem to make their way down to the south section and we bond and communicate honestly and openly, but then there is Shelly who is a bit stand offish.  This is how it has been, each Nurse (she is the forth since I started five years ago) is told that our section is a mess, non compliant and they are to come down and clean things up and report anything and everything and make us good employees.  At first Shelly wasn’t brought in as a lead position but it didn’t take long before she started asking us to do things.  If there were any down moments at all she started telling us how to fill them or to go home early and I asked her if she had been made a lead?  She said “No” and I knew she was lying to me.  She takes several walks a day down to talk to the nurse manager and we started learning that anything we said was spreading like 90mph winds down to the mgr.  Shelly we learned very quickly has mood swings and more often than not brings a really tense bad mood to the office and we started quietly discussing as we arrive each day what the mood of the day was.  We started warning each other and trying to make her feel better but one day she was saying I needed to do something for Dr A and I said I couldn’t and she turned and started to yell at me, that none of them get to pick who to work with and I wasn’t going to either.