Weekend Alone~~~~~woo hoo!

It is Labor day weekend and a weekend for me to just feel peace and gratitude.  Rik and Hannah went up to Sourdough and I cannot believe all that has happened recently.

This past month has truly been eventful.  My youngest daughter Kayla was here from Houston with our Granddaughter Olivia who is now 4 and just a sweet girl.  We did a lot of fun things while they were here.  We had a family Lagoon day and it was so great to have all of the kids there.  Sharilyn came in from Helena with Brakken and Ryker.  I feel bad that Erik was the only one that couldn’t be here.  We went to the Weber County Fair, Payton was Baptized.  Sharilyn and Kayla made it to a dinner at Tona Sushi and Rik invited all the kids up to Huntsville Barbeque for dinner.  I can’t remember everything but it was the most eventful we have ever been when Kayla was visiting.  I usually make it pretty dull because I am a stick in the mud with my depression and need for control.  I tried really hard to not be a recluse (hiding in my room) while they were here.

After they left, my depression started really hitting hard.  I likened it to the after holiday blues but then to top that off Rik was told that he was no longer affordable at Huntsville Barbeque.  We had realized it was coming.  The man that owns it (Greg) had never been utilizing Rik as he had told Rik he wanted to.  He was pretty secretive about how the restaurants were doing financially and it did not take long for Rik to start to realize that the business was failing.  He had reached out to hire Rik in the midst of his denial and desperation to make things work out.  Rik had told him when he was interviewing that he was getting older and at the end of his career years and needed to know that Greg was committed to providing him a secure place of employment and Greg assured him that he was.  From the beginning he was secretive and running in chaos, Rik could tell.  I didn’t think I felt panicked but I think my depression often puts a mask on my true emotions because my depression did start growing momentum.  I cannot deny however that I felt the peace of the comforter and felt all was as it should be.  Rik was very optimistic and thought that he would have a job by mid September (this happened mid August).  I tried very hard to hold on to his good attitude but during this my spirit really crashed and burned pretty bad.  This did force me to realize that I needed to start back into counseling.  Rik had contacted the Bishop with concerns and he asked me to come in.  I have set up and gone to one session as I write this because this past two weeks have been crazy with Rik having interviews and already accepting a General Manager position with Cracker Barrel.  It truly feels surreal that after two weeks he had a job.  I have thought a lot about Rik’s choices and character.  It has not always been easy with employment and I have sometimes felt like he made bad choices but he has always found employment and his integrity, work ethic and desire to take care of his family have always put him back with employment pretty quickly.  I truly love and admire him for being such a great provider.  The restaurant career is a rough one and I have seen over the past years many of our past associates have left and moved to multiple companies but this is where Rik’s skill and talent is and I am grateful that he has been able to keep us afloat.

This Fall, the pressure is on because we had come to the time that things have got to be done for our home’s maintenance.  We are going to redo our roof, our windows. build a new deck, find out where our water leaks are (we have a foundation issue and some roof leaks), and just a bunch of other things.  Our kitchen needs some updates and we need to finally get a shower into our bathroom, fix some flooring, moldings and paint.  I am hoping $30,000 will take care of it all.  With this all being ready to go on the burner we have our 11th Grandchild (a boy, Romney?) coming to Kayla and Jordan so a trip to Houston will be in there right at the close of Rik finishing a 8 week training for his new employment split between Tennesee and Missoula, Montana.

Back to my emotional state.  For a long time I think I didn’t realize that my depression was the driving force behind my lack of motivation and desire for seclusion and control.  It fuels anxiety and crushes my happy spirit.  Everything I use to enjoy feels like such a task.  For my emotional state I especially need to exercise, especially just walking as it is so healing to me but between being out of shape, my work being so draining (full time in healthcare is hard) and the depression, I don’t make much headway.  I keep asking God to keep prodding me and I am trying to grasp at his promptings.  I can’t even imagine living the rest of my years out like this.  It gets very discouraging and even frightening to me at times.

I am still hanging on to the dream of being successful with Medifast .  I read an article that someone wrote about it being very hard to regain the momentum on additional attempts so that made me feel a bit better as I am so hard on myself with wondering why I can’t succeed?  So, tomorrow I go at it again.  I think the scale will say 185 so 60 pounds I would like to see leave me.  Recently I went through all my clothes and I still have loads to probably get rid of but I just feel I need to wait until I have a body I feel decent about before I make those decisions.  If I got on this with all my heart and soul by Christmas and the New Year I could be moving to maintenance and into my new anti inflammatory/low carb lifestyle which is what I want our whole family (Rik, Hannah and I) to live.  A picture is worth a thousand words so I’ll try to post a couple of my sad, sorry and fat state.

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