Up Against the Wall.                                                          

A few weeks ago I signed up for a diet bet.  It’s a pot worth over $50k.  Of course that gets divided out over all that meet the 4% loss and the administrators of the game and for me is just from 190 and to get to 183.  This is the second time I have entered one of these and I lost my money the first time.  I just didn’t take it seriously at all.  This time initially looking at the 4%, I thought it was laughable.  I mean I could lose that in one week of serious Medifast (beginning week).  I paid the $30 and thought I’ll start tomorrow.  I was already dealing with a dermatitis issue that had developed around my eyes.  They were all red around them, burning, peeling and itching.  I thought I’d really get my head into it as I prepared and then I set about getting ready to go to Houston for Kayla’s graduation and thought maybe I should wait until I get to enjoy some Texas restaurant’s with the Gissemans.  I also went there still struggling from this funk I’ve been in a good while now and super low energy (fat, depressed and out of shape) so what was I going to feel like if I was doing heavy restriction.

I returned home from that knowing I had to get an abscessed tooth pulled which was still a few days out and this would have been a great time to start since it’s mostly soft food but I kept eating and then within a few days after that and I thought The tooth area was getting better, it seemed to turn and go the other way.  I didn’t want to think that I had made myself develop a dry socket and compromised with the idea that there were tooth fragments left behind and a second tooth abscessing.  I have never done anything so barbaric as I took to poking, picking and gauging my mouth with wooden toothpicks, actually digging out pieces of teeth or possibly breaking up jaw bone.  I went through several bloody toothpicks, even breaking the ends into my gum lines.  Initially I hoped it would start feeling better but soon I could tell there were now more problems than an abscess, which  I am pretty sure is present.  I tried to go back into my Dentist last Friday, skipping work and hoping he could help.  He had already upon a phone call started me on another round of antibiotics.  He barely looked around as he was with a scheduled patient and kind of gave me the well maybe, is the pain getting better and you did what’s?  He hopes the pain starts easing, did give me some Lortab for nighttime use and sent me on my way.  No one there to schedule and I don’t think he knows what we’ll schedule.  He made a comment that I sure can’t afford to lose more teeth.

So this weekend has gone by and I truly want to cry.  I hate everything about me right now and final weigh in is June 22 so I truly am up against a wall.  I am determined to do this.  I want my money back and a little more would be nice.  I have to at least utilize the food I have invested in and it’s a pretty hefty investment to not be using it for maximum success.    P.S. my eyes are still inflamed somewhat.  I used Prednisone I had laying around and had it pretty clear and then stopped and it started turning back the other way.  It definitely has an exzema component to it as I can see the patches.

So reasons to make changes.  I eat like crap.  I feel like crap.  My health is mysterious in many ways and I am really lacking in self esteem right now, but all of this works against the most important thing and that is my ability to have a relationship with my Father in Heaven which I am sure is why the adversary is using me as a dumping ground.

I feel super down right now.  I still am in pain and my hair needs to be colored SO badly.  I miss Deb doing it.  Shantel does okay but not as good as Deb but Shantel is still out on maternity leave. I had another girl do it and it has been awful.  I have no friends that I want to dump on and I don’t feel I deserve anyone’s dedicated friendship either. I have been so reclusive for so long.  I am going to keep all this journaling even if no one here sees it on this blog.  I hope one day maybe it will benefit my family.  I have been a harsh judge of others at times.  I just haven’t understood why people get stuck in situations and don’t rise up and fight through or fake it through what is weighing them down.  I don’t think I have let many others know the beat up spiritual pain I have had in my life.  I was so ashamed and never felt good enough.  It was my Heavenly Father that prompted me to keep going and helped me smile.  He gave me this gift for seeing humor and making humor but I have thought about my ancestors a lot and thought of Grandma Callister and her losing her baby girl and realizing that Tommy had problems. I imagine it was a pretty isolating feeling.  I imagine there were some hurtful things  said about his differences.   I think about Grandma Carrick coming over from Iceland  without family and cleaning homes for people and though I know she had a host family, did she feel like she belonged?  Was she lonely?  Did she wonder if the dream of this America was worth it?  I know Grandpa Callister had to have felt such frustration when he became ill and felt himself growing weaker.  I am sure he wanted to stay with Grandma and watch us all grow and make our dreams become reality.  I think of my Mom and all that she went through with my Dad and then his taking his life.  I watch and think of the pain that so many suffer and wonder how any could go through this life and not have those moments when it is just them, their grief and God.  How could they keep going and not have had those moments that his love was comfort and strength that sustained them in a way they could hold on to as it has me.  I don’t think I am that special as compared to others and I just wonder how they could turn away and not utilize that sweet and loving power that buoys me up and gives me the will to survive.  I love my Father in Heaven and I know my brother Jesus died for me and felt all that I do.  I am so thankful for the atonement and that I can be forgiven for my sins.  I pray that through Christ I can find the strength to make my way back to church.  It truly isn’t anyone but me that keeps me away.  I wish I had never stopped because this is a heavy battle I have put myself in to.  I love yet dread the comments,”I’m so glad you’re here”  Satan basically turns me paranoid and defensive towards any and all things people say and I hate that.  It is much like losing this weight.  There are going to be hard days, people are going to say dumb things,  I am going to feel tired and less than great.  It will never change.  It will always come back to “What do you want?”