I think it happened…….

I am on my way back home from attending Kayla’s graduation from her RN program.  I am so proud and so happy for her.  I think today she was feeling the blah aftermath from working so hard on this goal so long.  Either that, or the rain is getting to her.  She stated she is tired of it and I hope it’s gone from Utah as well.  She is planning on coming out in August and then we will go out in November for the babies delivery.  They are expecting a boy.

So what happened?  I think I saw my truly awful fat self.  The pictures that are worth a thousand ugly pounds.  There have been a few but the one Kayla took right after my arrival to Houston playing with Olivia and then she posted it on Facebook and I had to fight with myself to not demand that she take it down!   But, it was already out there and who am I kidding………it is already out there.  It isn’t like people don’t see it (to be nice ) when they see me.  Right before I left on this trip, a coworker that has weight issues was hospitalized directly because of issues from obesity.   No one is immune from it.  If I don’t manage this weight issue, it will continue to build issue upon issue.  I am already worried that I may never even have a little bit of control over my stomach area again.  Olivia was with me in the bathroom as I was getting ready and I was so grateful that she didn’t seem to notice, care and especially comment on my body.  I don’t want to be my Grandkid’s obese Grandmother.  I don’t want to feel 10-15 years older than I should.  I don’t want to hate all the clothes I put on my body.  I don’t want to feel like “just staying home” because I feel embarrassed to share my presence with anyone. I don’t want to look dull, puffy and lackluster from all the crappy food and diet soda I consume.  It is time to really accept the whole big ugly picture.   I still have Medifast and I am staying on this until I suceed.  I am expecting in the morning to weigh 189…..if it’s more………I just pray it isn’t?

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