Exhaustion                                                          

It doesn’t seem like it was that long ago that Chantelle was staying in bed all day and I was wondering how she could allow herself to do that and now here I am.  This exhaustion is relentless.  I know it’s depression.  I don’t think there is a drop of serotonin in my system. I have no ambition, well I think of things but just can’t get the wheel turning.  Not too long ago Dr. Obrien doubled up my Wellbutrin and more recently adjusted my Thyroid medications.  With each adjustment I felt a jolt and positive movement but just not enough.  I think I may see about going back to the Lexapro.  Rik and I fight and he just doesn’t get it but look at me.  I didn’t get it either and it makes me feel horrible about myself.  I am so grateful that I have been able to keep working but once home it is like a drug takes over and I am Done!  I think exercise could help but that is easier said than done.  I am still very depressed about my weight and I don’t think I see, even in pictures how fat I am.  I feel myself putting on blinders and not seeing the whole package.

Today Hannah is having everyone over to hear her mission call.  I feel so bad, it looks like Tara is coming to get her in the morning and Suzi will pick her up.  I know they will get blessings but it bothers me they have to do this and we don’t have better options.  They are awesome caretakers and Friends to Hannah.

Today I am going to make a pound chart so I can watch myself lose the weight.  I am very visual and this seems to motivate me.  I can’t believe how many male patients I weigh and they weigh less than me.  What do I want?