Self Sabotage 

This is a game I’ve played with myself for far too long.  I had even seen a he #176 which was 10 pounds down from this times start and in 5 weeks that is decent normal loss but then it almost feels like I am fighting myself back the other way.  This morning I saw 183.6 which is a regain of 7.  

I have had a lot of emotional turmoil going on in my life and food is definitely my drug of choice. I have also been experiencing quite a bit of physical pain.  Not just the knees being in a mess but my cervical spine has been back out of alignment so I have been sleeping horribly and am so tired all the time.  I wonder if I have let my Vitamin D or Potassium fall back down as I have been out of both.  I don’t think my Doctor get’s labs enough.  Truthfully though it could be that I’ve been on this 50/50 Medifast crash carbs diet which I am sure has my body so freaking confused. 

Today I go to my ENT appointment and “go me” I have not done one thing that I was asked to do.  No inhaler, nose cream or daily Claritin.  I am a really horrible patient and I know better.  I want the quick fix in everything in life and when that is looking to surgery,  that is really a pathetic attitude to have.

It was this week a year ago I started at 196 and now I am back to having a 13 pound loss which isn’t a complete failure but realistically on this program I could have lost all my weight twice had I buckled down.  I start again and I just have to do this all the way OP one week at a time .  Week One’s goal ~ Get myself back into fat burn and see 169-170 on the scale.  10,000 steps everyday.   I’ll never give up until the fat lady leaves.

Tweeks ~ part 2

I wanted to write more the other night about Medifast but I have been extremely exhausted.  I am thankful for all the support resources available.  Generally through your coach you get added to a secret group via Facebook where there are all kinds of tips, recipes and inspirational stories.  I have glommed on to all that I can and think I have been allowed to 3-4 groups.  Since Kayla was the first to tell me about Medifast, I got into one through her friend in Texas.  Another I found through a Medifast blog and is out of California and another is from down south in Utah.  I also have my coach, Sheri’s group.  It actually isn’t my favorite.  It doesn’t feel they want a lot of conversation going on on the site.  They introduce new or perspective clients and ask that others “Welcome” them but whenever dialogues or forum type conversations get going, they seem to wrap it up to a close.  I think there is fear that coaches will steal other coaches clients but I think that’s rediculous.  If you are there for your clients and supporting and encouraging them right, you shouldn’t have any worries.  The one in California is my favorite.  Those members share tips, encouragement, ideas and really cheer each other on.  Anyway the point of this is that this program is very restrictive.  While the food is decent and you always have the next meal and I really haven’t felt a lot of hunger pangs, there are so many emotional issues to work through.  I have liked going to these different groups and I wish the whole thing was open to all Members.  I have also scoured the Internet for blogs and now I have started looking under Medifast journals.  For the most part as I search for encouragement, all that I read talk about that if this program is followed correctly you Should have success.  The more information I can get, the better the chances I can be a success story.

I have some positive things going for me that I feel really blessed about.  I work in a location where there is a cafeteria and I really utilize the salad bar add ins as well as other little sides they offer as part of my lean and green.  For example I took the mashed potatoes and made them watery in my thermos and from the cafeteria I added diced tomatoes, mushrooms, broccoli and a slight bit of cheese and some fat free sour cream and made a creamy potato, garden soup.  It felt like a real treat.  That sucked up most my green but later that night I had rotisserie chicken and a small additional serving broccoli. It really doesn’t cost me to much and I love the endless options.  Also, my kids are grown so I don’t have meals to prepare that tempt me and my husband works in the restaurant industry so he is not usually home for dinner.  I think that makes for an additional challenge if you have a family to work around.  My co workers all know what I am doing so they never push anything on me,  yet I know if I wanted to cheat they wouldn’t bother me about it.  There tend to be a lot of food treats that come our office’s 

  way.  I make better decisions if I know it is my choice and I don’t feel backed into a corner.

My progress- My last antibiotic was yesterday and my joints are pretty swollen, especially my knees.  I think because they are already weak and injured, it attacks them the hardest.  No exaggeration I am sure there is 3 pounds of fluid on my legs and my knees are so sore.  It feels like the slightest wrong move could snap a tendon so I am trying to take it easy.  I had my sinus CT scan done yesterday so now I will just wait until the 19th to see what the ENT has to say.  I need to start using the nasal spray,  irrigating my sinus’ and doing my part to keep them clean and healthy.

Everyday is a struggle.  I have moments of doubt everyday where I think 4-6 more months of this is a long time but I always know the road behind me is full of dissatisfaction with myself and poor health.  A lack of energy, being in poor physical shape and I can’t turn back.  This battle and learning and growing will never be over.  I will always be tweeking the system and trying to figure myself out and improve but it is worth it.    This is week 4.  I am on track to have lost 12+ pounds this first month back.  Not the best but with all I’ve had to contend with I am patting myself on the back.  I walked away and said “No” a lot.  Go Me!

Hope

I have just about had it.  I have probably had tiny cheats for the last couple days but today if I were on a normal calorie counting diet, I don’t think I went over 1500 to 1600 max but it was just little wierd things, nothing horrible but I think just one Medifast bar ~ Why?  Because I feel like crap.  This Levaquin is killing me like I can’t believe.  The nausea, headaches and inflammation in my joints.  Today my knees feel like they are just going to blow out.  It started building probably the third day in and I am lucky to still be able to get up.  I knew I was taking a risk taking it since last time was so bad.  I am literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I have been on too many antibiotics and this does seem to kick the infection or be trying but I just hope there isn’t lasting damage when I am done.  There are some horrible stories on the Internet from others.  It is supposed to be rare that this happens but I have always been a special one.  Several times I have moved and felt my knee joints pop, lock or shift.  I am trying to be so careful as it’s got me so scared and freaked out.  I have 3-4 more days.

So it is making it really hard to do Medifast.  When I try to just eat that my stomach is so upset so I have grabbed crackers and just whatever feels like it soothes.  Today it was a vanilla shake at McDonalds which seemed to help.  I’m not feeling hungry, just nauseous and horrid.  The headaches just really add to it.  I will probably have my Sinus CT scan this week but my follow up isn’t until the 19th.  Something has got to be wrong in there.  They said my allergies could have picked up strength but I am about to rip my head off.  Everyday I will keep going.  I don’t want to stop.  Tomorrow I am going to try to really time my meals out and maybe go back and forth between the oatmeal and mashed potatoes.  Those are both sounding safe right now.  It’s almost 3 weeks back in and I am down only 6.6 pounds, if tomorrow I don’t have regain.  There is easily 5-7 pounds of inflammation on me right now.  I go forward….I hope!

Tweeks

It was great to feel decent today and be able to keep to plan.  The antibiotic didn’t seem to bother my stomach as much.  This is great because sure enough I saw no scale movement this morning.  Not just that but I am having quite a bit of inflammation  from infection in my system so I can tweek things now, clean it up, no more fruit or dairy or soda crackers needed.  I can start really sailing with this.  I am so tired and tomorrow I go to the ENT prior to work so I’ve got to get to sleep.