Going For It

Today was Day 2 ~ restart!   I felt so much better today .  Even last night I was truly feeling crummy and was praying the antibiotic would kick in and am so thankful that today I seemed to have turned a corner.  No weight loss tomorrow and I just had some grapes and cheese for my last meal.  I hope it doesn’t cost me a stall tomorrow.  It was just such a busy day at work and I came home and forced myself to clean the house tonight since illness has put me so behind so I hope I burned it off today.  I really feel committed this time.  I just have to keep going because every day I don’t accomplish this I stay stuck in this place of such unhappiness with myself.  When you have weight to lose and are determined that this is the new life you are going to live, there are a lot of emotions you have to work through.  Today I was thinking that it’s like losing a friend that you really loved and was always there for you.  How will I cope with stress without my friend?  How will I celebrate the really happy times without my friend being at my side.  Why did my friend abandon me and as much as I loved my friend I am so mad that I have to go through this.  I had really learned to lean on my friend and they always filled that emptiness inside myself.  I went to therapy for quite a few years and I would go and it was so hard to face things and do the emotional work so I would cancel appointments and avoid going until I realized I was never going to have peace and happiness and be able to grow forward until I stayed at it and did the work so I could let go of the issues that Satan was using against me.  He knows our weaknesses, where our pride is at and he wants us to be miserable like he is.  He doesn’t want us to have strong healthy minds and bodies because he knows the strength and power that gives us.  My Heavenly Father will be my friend I turn to for comfort now and I know with his help I can do this and learn new skills and talents that will bring me joy.  I have to keep going.  There will never be a better time.  It will always take sacrifice, tears, anger and a lot of soul searching and work so why not now.  This is now!

Discouraged……

Hopefully I have gotten this disconnected from my Facebook now.  I don’t care if anyone follows and I hope eventually somebody reads this and it can encourage them but I want to be real and right now my “real” is not very motivational.

This trying to stick to plan is so hard when I feel so lousy.  My weight didn’t go up this morning  but it just stayed the same and I hope it will tomorrow.  I got home Friday and slept for a while after work.  My sinus’ just weigh me down.  The vertigo has been gone but I still feel pressure and discomfort into my left ear.  I really remember now how bad I felt prior to my deviated septum surgery.  I was feeling this same exhaustion and pressure.  I got up today and after getting ready for the day I went up to the hospital and put in my missing punch out from Friday, mailed a package off to Olivia, took a couple things out to Nicole’s for Lily.  I then managed to come home and do a few chores but then I laid back down and slept and there you have my day.  I hope I can get the house cleaned up tomorrow but no intention of trying to get to church here.  I feel so crappy about myself and really crappy.  I picked up another antibiotic which I called for but it’s Levaquin (prior bad reaction in joints) and I am scared to take it but I’m going to because I can’t stand feeling so awful and it is probably the only thing that can help.  My appointment with Dr. Majors is the 1st of October and I am ready for whatever I need to get well.  I will just try to maintain my weight loss and Monday will be another fresh start.  I cannot quit.  I can still be in such a better place by Christmas and I really believe in Medifast.  It can work really well if I can just get going strong.  I am so tired still and it is late.

Hiding out……

If I hadn’t had ice cream tonight, tomorrow I probably would have been 170 something but I Had Icecream Tonight.  I picked up another round of antibiotics today and on October 1st I go back to the ENT which I am pretty certain is going to lead to surgery but I can’t stand it anymore. I am tired of being sick. The other night on the way home from work I stumbled and thought I had caught myself but then I felt that wierd sensation and I was powerless to catch myself.  I fell smack on my face and cut my head open and have a marvelous black eye today, not to mention I feel like I was in a wreck.

I don’t know if any Medifaster’s will ever read this.  The second week I had cheats but was on the Prednisone and just felt good about maintaining.  This was day 4 of week 3 and I was down another 1.6 pounds but with the Icecream ~ well, we will just have to see what tomorrow brings.  Tomorrow is a new perfect day and we’ll see what I can do by Monday.  The perfect days really do bring about the cravings going away.  Before I missed food like an old friend that would tell me everything was going to be okay so when I cry it’s because I miss that comfort and also the social aspects of enjoying food with friends but these are cushions of comfort from the past.  I don’t want to eat for emotional reasons anymore.

My Sister went to Texas to be with my Brother that had a stroke a couple months ago.  I am so glad.  I know she will encourage him and cheer him up and he needs that.  I pray all the time he will be able to get as close back to himself as possible.  I hate feeling helpless.

Well I am exhausted…………night…… 

 

It got a lot uglier than this today!

Slippery Slopes

I wish I could just throw this whole last week away.  I have struggled!  This morning my weight is 182.2  which is just a little up from my 5 pounds down weight of 181.6  so we go forward reviewing what went wrong that I must fix.  I must get up and eat sooner to start my metabolism firing.  I must get my meals in every 2.5 hours so I stay at least satisfied.  The other night my meals had been screwy all day and I ate my last one at 6 pm and found myself laying uncomfortably in bed with hunger pangs.  The next morning I woke up too hungry and tired and found myself eating/binging like 2/3 of a box of Captain Crunch berries and then Friday and Saturday continued to be snacky days.  This morning I feel toxic and exhausted.  I feel like I could stay in bed all day.

I am committing to get to the bottom of how crappy I feel.  This week I am going to call my ENT’s office and get in to get that CT scan done or whatever it takes.  I finished my 10 days of antibiotics although didn’t do well with the Prednisone dosages all day but I know I am not clear.  I am still having a little bit of vertigo and the left sinus area feels so full.  I keep getting the headaches and they seem to come on pretty quick.  This worn out feeling is really weighing on me and Maybe it’s time for deviated septum repair part 2.  The other thing is my heart is scaring me. I hope it’s just anxiety but I feel palpitations and even small pains mid sternum and left.  I can say I am paranoid from listening to patient’s but what I feel is real.  Since my brother’s had a heart attack and stroke this last couple months I know I’ve got to pursue this and know where my heart health stands for my kid’s sake and Rik.

Back to the Medifast,  I’ve got to buckle down.  Today’s a new day and let’s see where I can get by Christmas.

  

Downward please?

I haven’t been perfect.  This container of trail mix should have got thrown across the lawn for the dogs and birds the first night it made me cheat.  I am sure that between the Prednisone and that, I know the reason my weight has stayed at a stand still this week thus far.  Tonight my cravings have been bad but I have not given in.  Today one of the Providers bought lunch for our staff and I was so proud of myself that I had salad and threw the lean meat and veggies off the sandwich on top of it and no delicious bakery treat for me.  Yesterday another Provider got Pizza from the Pie for the whole group and I just ate the toppings off one slice.  I say this because I once heard something like that moment you give in was the moment you were just about to see progress.  Well today was extremely difficult and I did not give in.  That scale better budge tomorrow or it might be thrown across the lawn.  I still have 3 days to this week and I’m praying I’ll see a couple pounds.  Tomorrow is Friday……..I love Fridays!

  

Carry on

It was just a decent day.   Still, no more loss but I ate good and drank a ton  of water.  I am really tired and going to bed at 8:30.  What an old lady!

The Big Reveal……on a Tuesday?

I had only wanted to be able to post links when I wanted, to Facebook about my blog but I don’t know how to change it from posting every time ……..anyone know, tell me?   So, for tonight anyone reading this (I’m posting from the inside of a closet) is going to know that one day I weighed 196 pounds.  Some thought I needed to tell it like it is~cringing!

Last October 23 I started Medifast for the first time and went from that ^ number to 160 (starting to feel pretty dang good) by December 23 but then lied to myself that I could take a week off and enjoy the holiday week/food.  Well that was a mistake for a few reasons…..First, there is suppose to be a transition period when you stop strict plans like this where you slowly reintroduce the old foods, otherwise your body will grab onto every bit of it as regain.  Second, I hadn’t really done the mental work of what food was about for me.  I am a carb addict!  It soothes me  and I had been so busy and stressed with the season that I was crazy to think I would pick it back up.  Third and last,  I let go of my “whys”.  Why I decided that I would invest this money into myself to do this program, as rigid as it is.  The whys were that ‘there would never be a good time’.  I waited forever and tortured myself through many batches of cabbage soup and a bunch of other silly attempts (HCG) as well as magic Wednesday ~that’s a good story, a multitude of Monday’s and oh so many other perfect times and plans.  The only time weight loss has lasted for me was when I worked at it until the goal was met.  I am an all or nothing person and sharp backslides just depress me more than when I started.  These are things I am well aware of and need to work on.  It goes hand in hand with people with anxiety issues.  Another why ‘I have a positive ANA marker which is indicative of an autoimmune condition’.  A high carbohydrate diet leads to inflammation which makes me feel like ~ BAD.  I have had enough tests run and decided I don’t need a name for an illness,  what I need is to treat my body in such a way that it forgets about it’s reason to fight me. The last of my whys, ‘I want to be active’.  In high school a million years ago I started going jogging and I loved it.  As the years went by I did Jazzercise, Aerobics, Walking, competively Power Walking and just kept it moving all the time .  After the birth of my children I was right back to working out, gardening, working, serving at church, etc.  It was never too much of an issue getting back in shape.  I felt like I let my weight sky rocket with my third and fourth(twin) pregnancies letting myself get to 163.  I had additional weight to lose but I got it down.  I never dreamed that I would weigh 196 one day without carrying a child.

The unraveling for me was physical injuries and wear and tear.  I’ve always pushed myself hard and I don’t think that’s bad but my genetic makeup does not support muscles and tendons that can last 90 years or so.  After foot surgery, a badly broken foot, rotator cuff repair, sinus surgery, allergy shots and four knee repairs in about 4-5 years.  Four daughter’s weddings in about the same time frame, I found myself greatly reduced in my physical activity, 50 pounds heavier, quitting a job out of sheer frustration and chronically depressed.  So then I decided returning to school was the only option.  Food was never a stress reliever until all of this hit but I developed some really bad habits.

So I am learning!  I believe that there is an adversary that will find our weaknesses and try to destroy our light and happiness.  I believe that there is a God that needs our joy and ability as disciples to serve him and help each other through this life.  I believe he wants me to be healthy and happy and with him I will attain these goals.  I will master these bad habits that are binding my spirit with depression.  I will be an example and light to my friends and family.  This will free me up to play with my Grandchildren, enjoy retirement with my sweet husband and serve those around me.

Last,  the statistics.   This time I started on Labor Day, September 7th at 186.6.  Week one brought me to exactly 181.6.  I have not lost more today so we will see what tomorrow brings………….and now you know.Edit

Monday, blah, blah, blah!

It has been rough and I’m not kidding.  I kept thinking I don’t think you should have to work if you feel like this.  My head, ears and energy level were awful but luckily I work with great people that are easy to be around and more than take on their share of the work.

I do not want this to be a negative weight loss blog and though weight loss is not easy I will, I promise have positive times but I’m a slow starter but when I get things rolling………watch out.   It was as I thought this morning and I started with a 5 pound weight loss.  Not only that but tonight after I got home I was picking at a container of trail mix, just the peanuts I lied to myself but a lot of raisins, chocolate chips and M& M’s made their way to my stomach……..aaagh!  When I feel tired and lousy, I have got to admit to myself to not even step near temptation.  The thing about Medifast is that it isn’t just messing up my today.  When you throw yourself out of fat burn, you have to spend a few days getting back to it.  It isn’t worth it.  IT ISN’T!!

In little small ways I am noticing changes but I always get excited when that first person notices and says those magic words, “are you losing weight?”  I am guessing that is still 10 pounds away……

First long week done!

Tonight I still feel ultra crummy.  My ears hurt, my face hurts and I am exhausted.  I didn’t fall asleep good until 1 AM even though I felt so wiped out and then it took NyQuil.  My head and sinus’ were so killing me and it has continued all day today.  I was one shy on my meals but ate a bunch of pretzels.  They made my nauseous stomach feel better.  My weight was actually up this morning a couple pounds but I think I was holding fluid and hopefully today that balanced out.  I am going to go to bed and pray I feel better for work in the morning and pray it was a seven pound week one.  That would make me happy.