One of the things that annoys me about me the most is my lack of ability to keep promises to myself and I can’t hardly keep them to others.  Well right now I can scarcely make promises with others.  I just don’t care………..  I am able to be disappointed in others for not doing what I think they should but I know people can’t expect much of me.  I just want to sit in my unhappiness and feel drained.  I hope this is depression but more I have to hope that there is a pill or steps I can take to feel a little like I used to, but better.

I think when I remember things or times I glorify them like people do to others at a funeral.  I’ve never been to a funeral where they tore up a person’s character.   I remember when my Dad committed suicide and everyone kept coming through the family line and saying “what a great guy he was back in the day, before the war or just a month before he took his life when they ran into him in town”.  I just wanted to scream out “what are you talking about?”  I never knew or remember that person.  The person I knew was much like I am now.  You couldn’t expect much or anything at all.  He just didn’t have it to offer.  It makes me feel very sorry that I rarely felt proud of him.  A girl’s Daddy is suppose to be there for them.  One time in town I saw him and a friend asked me if that was my Dad?  I lied and said  “no”.  I can’t imagine the hurt I would feel if my children were embarrassed that I was their Mom.

Within the last couple years an actor/ comedian by the name of Robyn Williams took his life.  He had made me laugh so many times along with Chris Farley and John Candy who were cast members of a show called Saturday Night Live.  I felt upset with them all for doing this like it was a personal betrayal to me.  I thought they were cowardly in taking charge and calling the shot on making life stop because I know it can be so hard and I have felt despair.  I just am thinking of the Savior and knowing he holds the ultimate award on despair.  I really do not see me ever being able to take my own life because I know and love my Lord.  I will keep on keeping on but I want to have more joy in this life.  I was always able to smile my way through it but this time right now is what is scaring me.  Just like those comedians I speak of I am running out of ability to ‘fake it’.

One thought on “Commitment

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