One of the things that annoys me about me the most is my lack of ability to keep promises to myself and I can’t hardly keep them to others. Well right now I can scarcely make promises with others. I just don’t care……….. I am able to be disappointed in others for not doing what I think they should but I know people can’t expect much of me. I just want to sit in my unhappiness and feel drained. I hope this is depression but more I have to hope that there is a pill or steps I can take to feel a little like I used to, but better.
I think when I remember things or times I glorify them like people do to others at a funeral. I’ve never been to a funeral where they tore up a person’s character. I remember when my Dad committed suicide and everyone kept coming through the family line and saying “what a great guy he was back in the day, before the war or just a month before he took his life when they ran into him in town”. I just wanted to scream out “what are you talking about?” I never knew or remember that person. The person I knew was much like I am now. You couldn’t expect much or anything at all. He just didn’t have it to offer. It makes me feel very sorry that I rarely felt proud of him. A girl’s Daddy is suppose to be there for them. One time in town I saw him and a friend asked me if that was my Dad? I lied and said “no”. I can’t imagine the hurt I would feel if my children were embarrassed that I was their Mom.
Within the last couple years an actor/ comedian by the name of Robyn Williams took his life. He had made me laugh so many times along with Chris Farley and John Candy who were cast members of a show called Saturday Night Live. I felt upset with them all for doing this like it was a personal betrayal to me. I thought they were cowardly in taking charge and calling the shot on making life stop because I know it can be so hard and I have felt despair. I just am thinking of the Savior and knowing he holds the ultimate award on despair. I really do not see me ever being able to take my own life because I know and love my Lord. I will keep on keeping on but I want to have more joy in this life. I was always able to smile my way through it but this time right now is what is scaring me. Just like those comedians I speak of I am running out of ability to ‘fake it’.