Isolation

I Remember once years and years ago my sister, who is 18 months older than I saying that she would like to live in a remote place where she never had to see people again, unless of course she wanted to and I thought that was so horrible and sad.  I could not understand not wanting to be with people.

I Am 54 and this depression stuff is so confusing to me.  I did make a positive move this past week and get the appointment made with my Doctor to review medications (currently on Cymbalta 60 and Wellbutrin 150) because I feel I am disappearing and I feel anxiety to some extent all the time.  I don’t sleep well most nights and feel hot and wake up feeling short of breath.  My Doctor previously had wanted me to have a sleep study and a heart work up.  My family on my Father’s side is full of men vs. heart attacks and women vs. strokes so I shouldn’t mess around but since I am a Medical Assistant at one of the best Cardiology offices I feel nervous about who I want to show my size 38 DDD chest to and this past year my husband’s heart murmur became a Aortic Valve replacement/ Double bypass/ Abdominal Aneurysm repair, I’m a little freaked out, still!  However, the appt. is made and also the call to start counseling again since there is way too much going on in this head of mine.

My Special needs daughter’s aide (who has gotten to know our family way more than she should have had to) asked me “what does or did make me happy?”  I responded, I used to like to shop, bake, work in the yard, clean and organize things, craft, read, visit with friends, serve in my church, watch funny television, go to the movies and eat out and I had a passionate love/hate relationship with exercise and just “Live”.  I loved to live but now I get up Monday through Friday and go to work where I fake it all day long and then come home and isolate in my bedroom chair.  I use to be able to watch television but I find myself losing my ability to focus more and more.  I play Candy Crush, look at Facebook, my email and Pinterest, Instagram and just keep cycling through them with a must do load of laundry, move the water (no sprinkling system), load the dishwasher while my Daughter and her Aide of the night have a responsibility to pretend I don’t exist because I am in my must exist, isolation mode and I hate it.  I want to find me and she is buried under 60 pounds of weight I have eaten her into.

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