One of the things that annoys me about me the most is my lack of ability to keep promises to myself and I can’t hardly keep them to others. Well right now I can scarcely make promises with others. I just don’t care……….. I am able to be disappointed in others for not doing what I think they should but I know people can’t expect much of me. I just want to sit in my unhappiness and feel drained. I hope this is depression but more I have to hope that there is a pill or steps I can take to feel a little like I used to, but better.
I think when I remember things or times I glorify them like people do to others at a funeral. I’ve never been to a funeral where they tore up a person’s character. I remember when my Dad committed suicide and everyone kept coming through the family line and saying “what a great guy he was back in the day, before the war or just a month before he took his life when they ran into him in town”. I just wanted to scream out “what are you talking about?” I never knew or remember that person. The person I knew was much like I am now. You couldn’t expect much or anything at all. He just didn’t have it to offer. It makes me feel very sorry that I rarely felt proud of him. A girl’s Daddy is suppose to be there for them. One time in town I saw him and a friend asked me if that was my Dad? I lied and said “no”. I can’t imagine the hurt I would feel if my children were embarrassed that I was their Mom.
Within the last couple years an actor/ comedian by the name of Robyn Williams took his life. He had made me laugh so many times along with Chris Farley and John Candy who were cast members of a show called Saturday Night Live. I felt upset with them all for doing this like it was a personal betrayal to me. I thought they were cowardly in taking charge and calling the shot on making life stop because I know it can be so hard and I have felt despair. I just am thinking of the Savior and knowing he holds the ultimate award on despair. I really do not see me ever being able to take my own life because I know and love my Lord. I will keep on keeping on but I want to have more joy in this life. I was always able to smile my way through it but this time right now is what is scaring me. Just like those comedians I speak of I am running out of ability to ‘fake it’.
I Remember once years and years ago my sister, who is 18 months older than I saying that she would like to live in a remote place where she never had to see people again, unless of course she wanted to and I thought that was so horrible and sad. I could not understand not wanting to be with people.
I Am 54 and this depression stuff is so confusing to me. I did make a positive move this past week and get the appointment made with my Doctor to review medications (currently on Cymbalta 60 and Wellbutrin 150) because I feel I am disappearing and I feel anxiety to some extent all the time. I don’t sleep well most nights and feel hot and wake up feeling short of breath. My Doctor previously had wanted me to have a sleep study and a heart work up. My family on my Father’s side is full of men vs. heart attacks and women vs. strokes so I shouldn’t mess around but since I am a Medical Assistant at one of the best Cardiology offices I feel nervous about who I want to show my size 38 DDD chest to and this past year my husband’s heart murmur became a Aortic Valve replacement/ Double bypass/ Abdominal Aneurysm repair, I’m a little freaked out, still! However, the appt. is made and also the call to start counseling again since there is way too much going on in this head of mine.
My Special needs daughter’s aide (who has gotten to know our family way more than she should have had to) asked me “what does or did make me happy?” I responded, I used to like to shop, bake, work in the yard, clean and organize things, craft, read, visit with friends, serve in my church, watch funny television, go to the movies and eat out and I had a passionate love/hate relationship with exercise and just “Live”. I loved to live but now I get up Monday through Friday and go to work where I fake it all day long and then come home and isolate in my bedroom chair. I use to be able to watch television but I find myself losing my ability to focus more and more. I play Candy Crush, look at Facebook, my email and Pinterest, Instagram and just keep cycling through them with a must do load of laundry, move the water (no sprinkling system), load the dishwasher while my Daughter and her Aide of the night have a responsibility to pretend I don’t exist because I am in my must exist, isolation mode and I hate it. I want to find me and she is buried under 60 pounds of weight I have eaten her into.